Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. As human beings, we all have loved ones in our lives who mean the world to us and when our loved ones pass on, the grief and sense of loss that we feel are indescribable. It is an experience that we all have to go through at some point in our lives and individuals differ in how they grieve. Grieving is personal and unique to each person just as each person is unique in his/her own way. There is no set time-frame during which grieving would occur but the phases of grieving is universal. This has to happen for grieving is nature's way of allowing the healing process to begin.
“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”
Stephen Levine
Initially, upon the death of a loved one, one may or may not feel anything. In my personal experience, I was numbed by the shock of my spouse's sudden death. It was as if I could not feel anything and I remembered just going through the motions during the funeral. I cried a little but it was mostly because others were crying and not because of the grief within myself. I also cried when my then 4-year old son started crying for his father when the body was being removed from the house for the funeral.
It was only after the funeral when most family members have left that the profound impact of the loss really hit me. As I looked around and saw all his personal belongings, his clothes in the closet and the photos of our family, grief hit me like a ton of rocks and that was when I started to cry uncontrollably. The feeling is hard to describe and only one who has gone through it can understand - it is a mixture of unbearable pain, like a knife searing the very core of my being, the sense of hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, fear and despair. These feelings came and went and when present, caused physical discomfort such as stomach cramps, dizziness, palpitation and shortness of breath. They were welled so deep inside the core of my being and they played up individually and sometimes all at once.
After this initial feeling of intense pain, I went through a phase of self-blame and questions...why me? why now? would this have happened if I had done things differently? was I to blame for what happened...to which there were no answers. During these periods of self-blame, I kept telling myself that as a Muslim, I believe in destiny and that what had happened was destined to happen, no matter what I did. It did help a little but being human, the pain was still there.
As I suddenly became the sole breadwinner of the family, I focused my attention and energies on my job. This, in some way, was also a form of escape for when I was fully occupied, I had no time to dwell on the pain and loss. I was also fully occupied in sorting out matters relating to the administration of his estate. This was a painfully slow process as I had to sort through documents that were brought in from his office.
To a certain degree, I had surpressed my feelings for I had to appear normal at work. To allow proper healing, this should not have happened for it is only in allowing ourselves to grieve that we "release" pent up feelings of sadness within ourselves.
I started to withdraw into my own world and did not want to have anything to do with others outside the family socially. Also during this time, my son showed symptoms of anger and I was advised by the principal of his kindergarten to seek professional help for him. I sought the help of a child psychiatrist and was told that his anger was a manisfestation of the sense of loss that he was feeling as he was too young to verbalise his feelings. This caused me further pain as I was grappling with my own pain and I did not know how to handle his. I remember going through therapy with him and how I cried during therapy as the sense of loss and helplessness amplified. It suddenly hit me that this was going to take a long time since he was only four years old then.
I was fortunate to have my mum with me at that time...she moved in to live with me and she still does. Support, especially from family, and, to a certain extent, from friends is crucial. One should use this and should not be ashamed to ask for help because the sense of being overwhelmed can be suffocating.
As time passed, the pain lessened, albeit very slowly, but I still went through bouts of intense loneliness and pain, usually during the night - for this was the time when I did my crying. I tried not to show my hurt and pain to my son. I told myself that I had to be strong for my son for he depended on me and if I failed, I would fail him too and he has a whole life ahead of him. The immensity of this realization was sometimes frightening but I plodded along.
It took me about a year and a half before I would socialise again but there were still periods during which I wished that I did not have to carry the burden of bringing up a child all on my own. This would usually happen when there were conflicts in my schedule such as when I had to take my son to the clinic when there was an important meeting in the office. I also felt the sense of loss and emptiness when I attended his school sports and concerts for I would see most kids with both their parents while he only had me.
The recovery process is a long one for me. I can now talk about his passing without choking and the pain is gone but his memory lives on. In the death of a spouse, one tends to remember only the sweet memories and overlook those that were less pleasant.
The grieving period is different for each individual but the key is to accept the fact that one has to go through several phases in order for healing to start. Do not suppress your feelings, cry if you must and seek the support of family and friends, even if only as someone to talk to. Try not to be alone and if you belong to an organization or group, it is good to start re-connecting to broaden your network for you are going to begin a new phase in your life. Also, pursuing a hobby helps as you have less time to dwell on your loss. Slowly, you will find that the pain will heal but the memory lives on...remember, it is always the darkest hour before the dawn!
