On Being Single

I have often been asked why I had chosen to remain single after becoming a widow (I am now into my 32nd year of widowhood).  Well, it's like this.  I became a widow at the age of 37 and my only son was 4.  Since I was the sole breadwinner my whole focus from then on was on work and my son.  I was fortunate that I had a good job and was financially independent.  I was also fortunate to have my late mum helped  me with taking care of my son.

By the time Nash completed his secondary school thirteen years later, I was 50 and I suddenly realized that the train had left the station.  There were suitors but they were all M&Ms (married and mortgaged, not the chocolate, ok!). I was also cautious about a stepfather entering my son's life and after being single for more than 10 years, I could not see myself settling down to be a housewife again.  I have always been outgoing and independent and I did not want to give up my independence just to have a life partner.  I also did not want to deal with issues related to ex wives and step children.   Don't get me wrong, I am not against the institution of marriage but I just think it is not for me after being single for so long.  I don't think I can make the adjustments to being a wife again.  Although I am outgoing by nature, I am also a loner at heart.  I enjoy moments of solitude and I feel comfortable walking into a restaurant alone, ordering a meal and reading a good book all by myself. Yes, there are pros and cons for being single but I think I am happier being single.  But who knows....maybe if someone shows up who would sweep me off my feet I might feel differently.  But for now it'll be me, myself and I.

Perspectives

Just watched a rerun of Alfred Hitchcock's thriller Vertigo.  This is supposed to be one of the best from Master of Suspense, Alfred Hitchcock.  Funnily enough, watching it now no longer gives me the seat-gripping suspense like it did decades ago...suspenseful background music notwithstanding.  In fact, it seems rather "tame" compared to modern day blood and gore like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I think our perspectives change as we age.  Do you remember how the house you grew up in as a child seemed immense compared to what it is now when you see it as an adult?  That's how it is with most things in life....your old school which was an imposing structure next to a church, the events in your life that seemed so significant then but which no longer holds true among them.  Which reminds me of the lyrics of the song First of May by the Bee Gees:

When I was small and Christmas trees were tall.....
Now we are tall and Christmas trees are small.....

Both Sides Now

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life, at all

Joni Mitchell

Time.....

26 years ago today...I was 37; Nash was 4.

May Allah have mercy on your soul and may your place be amongst the believers.

Al-fatihah....


“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” 
― Rose Kennedy


#hajimuhandesbinhajimohamed
#6/7/42-13/8/89
#lifegoeson
#iamstrongiaminvincibleiamwoman

The Year that Was

Annus horibilis (Latin: horrible year) are two words that aptly describe 2014 which is now coming to a close.

For the country, the twin tragedies involving Malaysia Airlines' Flights MH 370 and MH 17, four months apart, must be the most significant for the country in decades.  MH 370 disappeared on March 8, 2014 with 239 passengers/crew on board.  A search for the missing plane is still ongoing in the remote waters of the Indian Ocean where the plane is assumed to have gone down.  This assumption is based on complex number crunching from technical data that are available from satellite systems and the aircraft manufacturer.

On July 17, 2014, Flight MH 17, with 298 people on board, was shot down over war-torn Ukraine and to this day, it is still not known who the culprits are and whether this was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time or something more sinister.  All 298 people, of various nationalities, including Malaysians, perished.

In the sports arena, Datuk Lee Chong Wei, world's No. 1 badminton player, was embroiled in a doping scandal and he has been suspended.  To this day, his fate is still unknown as he is waiting for BWF (Badminton World Federation) to convene a hearing.  In the meantime, he has been replaced as World's No. 1 by China's Chen Long.

On the economic front, the Malaysian Ringgit's significant slide against the US Dollar has resulted in, among other things, more expensive imports.  Malaysians are paying higher costs for food as most of our food is imported.

While lower oil prices resulted in the people paying less at the pump, the Government is bound to lose revenue as PETRONAS' earnings slide.

Mother Nature has also added to Malaysia's woes.  The East Coast of Peninsular Malaysia is now inundated by serious flooding and more than 100,000 people have been displaced.  It is the monsoon season and floods are the norm during the monsoon season but the flooding this year is the most serious in more than 30 years.  The Prime Minister came under fire when he was pictured golfing with President Obama in Hawaii, where the latter was spending his Christmas holidays.  When the flood became more serious the PM cut short his holidays and returned to Malaysia to personally direct relief efforts.  In responding to critics, the PM defended his "golf diplomacy" saying it was difficult to turn down the invitation and plans had been made long before the floods began.  He was also in touch daily with the DPM who was entrusted with the responsibility of overseeing flood response operations.  Whether or not this lapse in judgement would have an impact on his political career remains to be seen.  It is akin to George Bush's perceived slow response to Hurricane Katrina which left a blot on his already tarnished legacy.

However, it is not all doom and gloom.  Squash queen, Datuk Nicole David, made us proud to be Malaysians when she won the world title in 8 straight years, a hard-to-beat feat indeed!

Malaysia has returned to the United Nations Security Council (UNSC) after a 15-year absence with an absolute victory.  Of the 192 votes cast at the UN General Assembly, 187 was in support of Malaysia's unopposed candidacy to represent the Asia Pacific region.

On the home front, mum's health took a turn for the worse.  After a short bout of illness, she is no longer mobile and is wheelchair-bound.  She cannot perform the basics of daily living and has to be cared for.  I am grateful that my loyal maid (who has been with me for 20 years now) is still around to help as I would otherwise be helpless without her.

That about sums up the year that was....here's wishing everyone a happy new year and let us pray for peace and continued prosperity for our beloved Malaysia.

Postscript:
To add to the doom and gloom, it has just be reported that Air Asia Flight QZ8501, operated by Air Asia Indonesia, is now missing and SAR operations are ongoing.  The plane was bound for Singapore from Surabaya and contact was lost while it was flying between Java and Kalimantan in reportedly bad weather.  There are reportedly more than 160 people on board, with the majority being Indonesians.  Malaysia had already lost 2 planes this year - one missing and one downed by rocket fire....we cannot afford a third one.  Ya Allah, kami memohon perlindunganMu dari segala bencana.  Berikanlah kekuatan kepada rakyat dan pemimpin kami untuk menghadapi bencana yang datang bertalu-talu ini.

  

The Twilight Years

It seemed like just yesterday that dear mum, aged 82, was still able to walk, albeit rather slowly.  Now, all of a sudden, it appears that she is going downhill pretty fast!

She is now unable to perform even the basic act of getting out of bed without help.  Her strength has suddenly gone, she is totally dependent on others to get by.  This must be frustrating for one who has always been an independent, fiesty lady.  She braved a divorce at a "young" age (thirties) and single-handedly raised three daughters who have grown up to be successful adults.

She is still mentally alert and her face belies her age but just does not have the strength to carry out the basics of day-to-day living.  Just where did it all disappear?  Ageing is an ongoing process but is there a point when there is a step change in the person's ability?  I seem to think so and that point is now in mum's case.

As I watch this transformation taking place, I cannot help but wonder when would this step change occur for me?  Seventies...eighties?  

Remembering THE Day.....

Sunday, August 13, 1989.  I had to work that day as I had just returned from a week's vacation in Bali with the family and there was a lot of catching up to do at work.  Before  hubby and I left that morning, our 4-year old son, Nash, unusually threw a tantrum...wanting to come along.  He usually was a good boy and never cried when we left for work.

Hubby had a full-dress rehearsal for a parachute jump into Stadium Merdeka that day for the SEA (South East Asia) Games opening ceremony.  I dropped him off at the Sungei Besi Air Base where he would board the jump plane, before I set off to work.

At around 2 p.m. I drove to Stadium Merdeka to pick him up.  However, when I reached the Stadium, an anxious fellow parachutist, Aziz Ahmad, was waiting for me at the entrance.  He instructed me to let him park the car and I was being led by another parachutist (I cannot remember his name now) to the Ops Room upstairs.  As I made my way through the crowd, press photographers started to take my photos.  At that time, I felt a sense of foreboding and fear that the worst had happened.

The parachute jump was organised by the army and the Ops Room was full of army big guns.  I was seated across a Colonel and a fellow parachutist, Major (R) Mike Shukor.  Mike started off by saying that something had happened to hubby and he then broke down....I sat there dumbfounded and suddenly, the words "dia dah takde ke"? (he's no longer around?) blurted from my mouth.  Mike could only nod his head and at that time, I was struck with a sense of numbness.  I cried a little...I was in a daze....I was confused...was this real?

From that moment on, I was like a zombie...I just followed whatever instructions were given and I could not feel anything or even think.  I was taken to the General Hospital mortuary where I identified his body.  I noted that his face was intact but he had a small cut on his forehead.  At the hospital grounds, there were several pressmen taking my photos and wanting to interview me but I just ignored them....too distraught to even say anything.

Events that followed now flash through my mind like a scene from a sad movie of long ago....people coming to the house to offer prayers....the tearful scene that struck everyone's hearts when Nash wailed "I want my ayah (father)" as his body was taken to the grave site for burial....the "doa selamat" (thanksgiving prayers) held for several nights and then....everyone went back to their own lives and there I was....facing life  alone with a 4-year old son!

Today, 23 years on, the pain has lessened but the memories remain.  So many things had happened in the last 23 years that made me a stronger person today.  When I looked back at the last 23 years, I wondered where I found the strength to overcome the challenges that I faced.  But Allah is great...whatever "tests" he put you through, he made sure you had the strength to endure and that in the end, you benefit from the adversities you faced.  Today, I accept what fate had dealt me and I am thankful to Allah for giving me the chance to redeem my past transgressions before my time is up.  Amiin!

Yesterday When I Was Young

It's a Tuesday morning and here I am listening to songs that I grew up with.  One that I really liked (for the significance of its lyrics) is Shirley Bassey's "Yesterday When I Was Young".

As I listened, I could see my life as a screenplay before my eyes.  The foolish things one does when one is young, the devil-may-care attitude towards life and people, the people you love who hurt you and the dreams you dreamed that never came true.

Do I miss the years of youth?  Yes and no.  Yes, because there were so many things to do and explore and being young you somehow feel a sense of invincibility.  No, because what I had gone through in my younger years actually prepared me for what was to come in my later years.  I had learnt to listen to my inner voice instead of other people; I had learnt to pick myself up when I fall - and I had fallen hard many, many times.  I am what I am today because of what I went through when I was younger.

Yes, I made mistakes - some of which were due to my belief that it's my life and no one has the right to judge me.  They did not go through the pain that I went through and it was as if having gone through all that pain, I am entitled to do what I want to.  Mistakes are part of being human; you call them experience that teaches you life's hard lessons.  Some of the mistakes that I had made are still being paid for today but that is the nature of life.

"Life is not about waiting for storms to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain" - Anon

Turning 60...

Turning 60 on February 12, 2012 was a time for me to take stock of my life so far. It was a time to reflect on what I'd been through - my successes, failures, disappointments and tragedies...to list a few.

Entering the 6th decade of one's existence is quite sobering. Somehow, the fragility of life stares at you in the face. But I am determined to live out the rest of my life doing what I have enjoyed doing and being closer to Allah.

My life to date has been filled with personal tragedies - I lost my beloved significant other in a bloody accident at the age of 37 and I was left with a 4-year old son. What followed was a series of health issues, surgeries and the trauma of learning that my beloved mum had cancer.

No one entered a marriage thinking about how it would end...especially when the marriage was only entering its 8th year; yet, there I was at age 37....facing the prospect of a life alone with a young son whose future depended on how strong I was.

They say you never know how strong you are until you are tested and I had my share of "tests" that I faced squarely because I did not know what else to do. In the process, the stress took its toll on my health leading to numerous surgeries....14 surgeries to date. Somehow, fate had dealt me with the cruelest blows imaginable and 3 of my surgeries went horribly wrong which required further revision surgeries. During those hours of darkness, I had relied on friends who rallied around me with words of comfort and helping where they could to lessen the burden that I had to shoulder. I have a small family and my other two sisters live in Australia and up north in Kedah, so I had to rely on my close friends for help.

Mum was a tower of strength in her own quiet ways. She understood my pain having gone through a divorce herself and she brought up 3 daughters on her own. So, imagine the trauma I went through when I learnt that mum had cancer (early stage of lymphoma). I accepted that it was Allah's test of my "iman" (faith) and I plodded on; taking care of her health issues while dealing with mine.

I was very fortunate in that I had a successful career which helped me to remain financially independent. However, when the stress of my personal issues became too much to bear, I made the bold decision to retire earlier than I had planned. It was, indeed, a difficult decision that I agonised over but Allah is great; what he taketh he also giveth. My decision to retire was the best decision I had ever made in my life. After retiring, I found more time to concentrate on taking care of mum while also having more time to do the things that I'd always wanted to do.

A life-changing event happened when I suffered from a surgery which nearly took my life. Those were the darkest days of my life. While I fought to get well in the hospital, my mum was recovering from cancer at home. I felt so helpless that I was unable to care for her and I did not tell her what had actually happened to me because I did not want her to worry.

During those dark days, I had a calling from Allah...for me to perform the 5th pillar of Islam i.e. the Haj. I performed the Haj in late 2009, 6 months after recovery from a major surgery. Since then, I realised that my life had thus far been spiritually empty. I was born a Muslim but being the sole breadwinner, I had been too occupied in chasing one promotion after another, the material things in life, that I had neglected my religious obligations. In a sense, I was "lost" and it was an awakening for which I am very grateful.

So, in entering the 60th year of my life, I have made a pledge to myself that I will strive to be closer to Allah and continue to care for mum while she is still around; while still doing the things that I like to do - like playing golf with my friends. You can say I have come full circle. It was a long and painful journey to get to where I am today but I feel blessed that Allah still loves me and has given me another chance to be a good Muslim. Thank you, Allah, for your blessings...amiin!

Women of Substance

I had endured many personal tragedies in my life….from the tragic death of my husband when I became a 37-year old widow with a 4-year old child, to the numerous surgeries that I had since then, several of which were botched-up jobs requiring further surgeries, to my mum’s cancer.

Amongst my closest friends, some call me "Iron Lady" given the endless tests of endurance that fate had dealt me and the fact that I have several metal implants in my body. Some look up to me as a role model of a woman with the iron will to survive despite the odds that are stacked against her.

When my late husband died in a pool of blood due to a skydiving accident on August 13, 1989 which attracted wide media coverage, my life changed forever. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine what it would be like to be father, mother, carer and provider for my then 4-year old child. I was left to fend for my child and a dependent mother, who, in the course of time, became stricken with cancer. She was stricken with cancer at the most inopportune moment in my life – when I was recovering from a nervous breakdown. Then, while caring for a sick mother, I had to undergo surgery. When I think about it now, I too am amazed at my own strength but in actually going through those tragic events, I had never stopped to think about where the strength came from; instead, I just took it in my stride.

For some, the term “woman of substance”, conjures pictures of a celebrated female personality who had survived the odds, perhaps someone like Erin Brokovich, an unemployed single mother who became a legal assistant and almost single-handedly brought down a California power company accused of polluting a city’s water supply. Or, it could be someone like Oprah Winfrey who had endured sexual abuse in her adolescent years and yet, today, she is one of the most powerful women in the world.

Actually, many ordinary women, even housewives, can be considered as women of substance. For example, an uneducated wife with seven children who struggled to help her husband put food on the table by selling kueh, while at the same time bringing up her children to ensure they have a decent chance in life – a life better than what their parents had. It could also be the single mother who fights doggedly for custody of her children in court, or a woman who faces life’s challenges head-on, knowing that the fight would not be easy. On the other hand, it could also be a woman who is compassionate about others, well-versed about what goes on in her surroundings, who not only works out of the house but also gives back to society by being involved in charitable deeds and, at the same time, having her own interests outside her home/family.

What drives a woman to fight even though the odds are stacked against her? Personally, I never gave it a second thought – when faced with a dire situation, our innate fight or flight response takes over. I just knew that something had to be done and whatever I did, it had to be for the good of myself and my family…there are no two ways about it. Yes, I would consider the consequence of my actions but I am willing to face the risks. I tell myself that if I do not do anything about it, nobody else will, so, if it is to be, it is up to ME!

Being informed is definitely important when one has to make a decision especially one that is health-related. In cases involving my health, I accessed the Internet to find out more about my medical condition which I then discussed with my surgeon, before making a decision. I believe that making an informed decision this way is much better than having someone else in the family decide for me. Although I am fearful of going under the knife, having gone through so many surgeries, I psych myself up by focusing on getting well and not what can go wrong during a surgery.

Aside from dealing with my personal tragedies head-on, I had a challenging job that I strove to excel in and I somehow managed to also find the time to study for a Masters degree through distance learning…something which I had always aspired to do but my personal circumstances got in the way. Outside of work and family, I keep myself busy with hobbies and friends. I am an optimist by nature and although I had gone through moments of dark despair when all seemed so hopeless, somehow, I had always managed to bounce back more determined.

Some of my friends are amazed at my ability to face life’s toughest challenges head-on and still survive. To which I say believe in yourself and whatever you do, do it because you believe it is right and not because someone else tells you it is the right thing to do. I also have this fighting spirit in me and believe that one cannot give up without a fight. Nobody can criticise the decisions I have made for they are not in my shoes. I may have made the wrong decisions for which I have to face the consequences but that is definitely preferable to lamenting on an adverse outcome because I did what I was asked to without believing in it or, worse still, because I did nothing! Insya’Allah, with blessings from the Almighty, I will prevail.

Of Grief and Bereavement

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. As human beings, we all have loved ones in our lives who mean the world to us and when our loved ones pass on, the grief and sense of loss that we feel are indescribable. It is an experience that we all have to go through at some point in our lives and individuals differ in how they grieve. Grieving is personal and unique to each person just as each person is unique in his/her own way. There is no set time-frame during which grieving would occur but the phases of grieving is universal. This has to happen for grieving is nature's way of allowing the healing process to begin.

“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”
Stephen Levine

Initially, upon the death of a loved one, one may or may not feel anything. In my personal experience, I was numbed by the shock of my spouse's sudden death. It was as if I could not feel anything and I remembered just going through the motions during the funeral. I cried a little but it was mostly because others were crying and not because of the grief within myself. I also cried when my then 4-year old son started crying for his father when the body was being removed from the house for the funeral.

It was only after the funeral when most family members have left that the profound impact of the loss really hit me. As I looked around and saw all his personal belongings, his clothes in the closet and the photos of our family, grief hit me like a ton of rocks and that was when I started to cry uncontrollably. The feeling is hard to describe and only one who has gone through it can understand - it is a mixture of unbearable pain, like a knife searing the very core of my being, the sense of hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, fear and despair. These feelings came and went and when present, caused physical discomfort such as stomach cramps, dizziness, palpitation and shortness of breath. They were welled so deep inside the core of my being and they played up individually and sometimes all at once.

After this initial feeling of intense pain, I went through a phase of self-blame and questions...why me? why now? would this have happened if I had done things differently? was I to blame for what happened...to which there were no answers. During these periods of self-blame, I kept telling myself that as a Muslim, I believe in destiny and that what had happened was destined to happen, no matter what I did. It did help a little but being human, the pain was still there.

As I suddenly became the sole breadwinner of the family, I focused my attention and energies on my job. This, in some way, was also a form of escape for when I was fully occupied, I had no time to dwell on the pain and loss. I was also fully occupied in sorting out matters relating to the administration of his estate. This was a painfully slow process as I had to sort through documents that were brought in from his office.

To a certain degree, I had surpressed my feelings for I had to appear normal at work. To allow proper healing, this should not have happened for it is only in allowing ourselves to grieve that we "release" pent up feelings of sadness within ourselves.

I started to withdraw into my own world and did not want to have anything to do with others outside the family socially. Also during this time, my son showed symptoms of anger and I was advised by the principal of his kindergarten to seek professional help for him. I sought the help of a child psychiatrist and was told that his anger was a manisfestation of the sense of loss that he was feeling as he was too young to verbalise his feelings. This caused me further pain as I was grappling with my own pain and I did not know how to handle his. I remember going through therapy with him and how I cried during therapy as the sense of loss and helplessness amplified. It suddenly hit me that this was going to take a long time since he was only four years old then.

I was fortunate to have my mum with me at that time...she moved in to live with me and she still does. Support, especially from family, and, to a certain extent, from friends is crucial. One should use this and should not be ashamed to ask for help because the sense of being overwhelmed can be suffocating.

As time passed, the pain lessened, albeit very slowly, but I still went through bouts of intense loneliness and pain, usually during the night - for this was the time when I did my crying. I tried not to show my hurt and pain to my son. I told myself that I had to be strong for my son for he depended on me and if I failed, I would fail him too and he has a whole life ahead of him. The immensity of this realization was sometimes frightening but I plodded along.

It took me about a year and a half before I would socialise again but there were still periods during which I wished that I did not have to carry the burden of bringing up a child all on my own. This would usually happen when there were conflicts in my schedule such as when I had to take my son to the clinic when there was an important meeting in the office. I also felt the sense of loss and emptiness when I attended his school sports and concerts for I would see most kids with both their parents while he only had me.

The recovery process is a long one for me. I can now talk about his passing without choking and the pain is gone but his memory lives on. In the death of a spouse, one tends to remember only the sweet memories and overlook those that were less pleasant.

The grieving period is different for each individual but the key is to accept the fact that one has to go through several phases in order for healing to start. Do not suppress your feelings, cry if you must and seek the support of family and friends, even if only as someone to talk to. Try not to be alone and if you belong to an organization or group, it is good to start re-connecting to broaden your network for you are going to begin a new phase in your life. Also, pursuing a hobby helps as you have less time to dwell on your loss. Slowly, you will find that the pain will heal but the memory lives on...remember, it is always the darkest hour before the dawn!

Mum's Sewing Machine

She sits in a corner of the maid’s room – worn, dusty and dull…a relic of the years gone by. Yes, it’s mum’s trusty Singer sewing machine. She was once the prized possession of the house; with a gleaming veneer finish, well-oiled and ready to rumble when there are things to be sewn. The apron that I had made as part of my school project, the curtains I sewed for Hari Raya, even the tent dress that was the rage 40 years ago – these were some of the products proudly turned out by that machine.

I can still conjure images of mum in her younger days, sewing her kain batek or baju Kedah, sometimes late into the night…cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck… the sound of the foot pedal breaking the silence of the night. We would always be anxious to see the finished product.

Then there were the repairs to be done – torn school uniforms (my sisters and I only got a pair each year; to be worn until they were no longer in presentable condition) and out-of-date dresses to be given a refreshing look!

Today, I had a piece of batik that needed to be stitched, to be used for prayers. It was a simple task – just straight sewing – no creativity needed here! I was pleasantly surprised to find the sewing machine still in working condition; albeit a little noisy. As I pedalled away, my thoughts drifted back to the good old days when life was simpler, we would wear what mum sewed for us and the machine would be most busy with the approaching Hari Raya.

Today, it sits quietly in the corner, waiting for that rare occasion when someone would have something to sew….just like in the twilight years of one’s life…waiting for that rare occasion to be useful and appreciated again….sigh!

Love Is...

Heard this song on the radio today "and I would do anything for love, but I won’t do "that”. Got me wondering what “that” is – I guess it’s different things to different people; as they say, different strokes for different folks.

For me, “that” would be not selling my soul and self-esteem; no, I would not do that even for love….but love means different things at different stages in our lives. I am not talking about love of country, parents, children, etc…I am talking about love in the romantic sense.

In our childhood, it would be puppy love – you know, signing autographs with stuff like “roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but not as sweet as you!” Gawd…did we actually believe that?

As we went through adolescence, there were boys/girls we thought about, shared drinks with at snack bars and sneaked to the movies under the pretext of going to the library! We thought we were in love but maybe we were in love with the idea of love itself. Girls would devour countless editions of Mills & Boon behind locked doors….skyrocketing phone bills, complaining parents, - ah…so “un-cool!”

When you left school to further your studies or pursue other interests, relationships from school sometimes continued but some floundered with space and distance. Some may decide to “get hitched” at this time for fear of losing each other – sometimes with disastrous consequences later in life as one day, one party, or both, would wake up and realize that there is a whole world out there they never got to enjoy – they had not lived their life yet – so to speak. There are so many things out there that beckon….especially at this stage when one (usually the male) is financially independent, worldly and successful!

Somewhere along the line, love becomes more intense and romantic as couples seriously consider their options with regards to a life partner. This is the time when you are always trying to impress, be on your best behaviour and try to be what the other party wants you to be. This is the biggest mistake one could make – for one day, the veneer would come off and the real “you” comes out – the “you” that may not be all that your partner wants you to be.

But, in a relationship, do you have to change someone to fit your mould? Why can’t each be an individual, complementing each other with their strengths and weaknesses and respecting each other’s space, opinions and beliefs? Is there such a thing as an “ideal” relationship? I wish I know!

As you reach your twilight years, when the kids have left the nest, love becomes more of companionship, caring, respect and just being there for each other….you know, I envision images of aging couples holding hands, looking at each other adoringly, visiting places and just being happy to be with each other….very idealistic….and unattainable!

So, what is love, really? Dunno!

Love looks not with the eyes but the mind - William Shakespeare

There's No Place Like Home!

I have never been one who can stay home for long periods of time….I am always out as I have too many errands to run, too many golf games to play, too many “coffee” and lunch outings with friends and not enough time to do them all!

However, now that I am spending more time at home due to my health situation, I am beginning to enjoy the little pleasures that one gets from being home. I have more time to look around and appreciate, for the first time, how lucky I am to have a home to call my own, a family to be with and two cats who love us.

I stepped back for the first time today and looked at what I have and I could not be more grateful. The flowers seem brighter, more interesting, and even more alive than I have ever noticed them to be!

Then, there is our cat, Jackie, who is already so grown up that it is hard to imagine what a scrawny stray he was when we found him a year ago.

Jackie (The Bully) snuggling up to his grandma!

Scrawny Stray a Year Ago!

Our neighbour’s cat, Bleach, is now staying full-time with us and although her kittens are at home, she prefers to be with us….you know, Bleach, I really should not encourage you to shirk your maternal responsibilities, but I am thankful for your company! I am sorry that Jackie is always harassing you but that's the way it is with the male species - always out to prove their macho-ness, I guess!

Bleech resting out of Jackie's reach!

The other day, I asked mum if she could teach Siti how to prepare “nasi ulam” – a Malay dish where rice is mixed with all kinds of local herbs, ground, roasted, salted fish and dessicated coconut, sliced ginger, shallots and garlics with a dash of pepper!

It was a favourite dish my great grandmother would make, especially during the month of Ramadhan, when we were kids growing up in a kampung called Selama, Perak. Back then, all the herbs could be found growing around the house.

In a modern city like KL, it was quite a challenge finding the herbs at the Pasar Tani (Farmer’s Market) on Saturday morning. Some of the herbs (daun kadok, serai, daun limau purut and daun kunyit) are found in my backyard. Pictured below are some of the herbs and the final product….yummy!

Nasi Ulam

Ulam Raja

Daun Pegaga

Daun Sekentot!

Daun Kesom

Daun Seylom (Pronounced Say-lom)

Thanks, mum and Siti – having you both is one of the blessings that I have often taken for granted, because I’ve been too busy chasing time and trying to do so many things at one time!

Life's Journey...

While I was consoling a bereaved ex-colleague whose husband had passed on, my mobile phone beeped with the message that another friend from way back when also passed on in Kelantan.

This evening, I am going to the hospital to visit a friend's daughter whose newborn baby, her fourth child, was warded due to breathing difficulties and who, hereself, had been warded due to post-partum blues.

The deceased were in their late fifties while the young mother is in her mid-thirties.

The wheel of life goes on...what goes up must come down...the once young and nubile is now old...and the healthy becomes sick. The cycle is unstoppable; we just have to go with the flow...and hope that our time on earth does not come to naught...aah...life's journey!

The Strength of The Human Spirit

Their tiny, frail, bodies splattered with shrapnel, face covered with blood from a head wound, their haunting screams of pain a testimony to the savagery of a senseless war. They do not know it yet but their parents and siblings have been wiped out by Israeli bombs. They are in pain and alone in this horrible world - however, the wheels of life will continue to turn and most will pull through and survive and some will morph into warped adults.

Deep in the recesses of time, in 1968, a 10-year old Vietnamese girl became the face of the untold suffering endured by the Vietnamese people during the Vietnam War. She was photographed naked and running after being burned by Napalm bomb dropped by US soldiers. The photograph won the Pulitzer prize. Today, she is happily married with a family.

Twenty years ago, on that fateful day when I was thrown into the abyss of a dark, lonely, world. Nothing prepared me for the challenges...it was swim or sink and I chose to swim; against the raging currents that can break boulders into smithereens. I stumbled, fell and picked myself up again and again - resolute to overcome the bumps and bruises.

Most of us have endured pain - physical, emotional, or both. But the human spirit can endure difficulties that we would not be able to do under normal circumstances. When faced with a situation where survival is at stake, we dig into ourselves and find that last ounce of courage to overcome odds and strive to pick ourselves up.

The strength of the human spirit can not only be found in heroes like Mahatma Gandhi, Anne Frank, Nelson Mandela or the ambulance drivers in Gaza who dodge bombs and bullets to save lives. It is also in the wizened fisherman with weather-beaten face when he braves the seas in the dark hours of dawn to bring food to the table, the kacang puteh seller who peddles his wares on street corners and the uneducated single mother with four young children eking out a living on the fringes of society.

We often under-estimate ourselves and only realize our strength when tested. The human spirit is the strongest force there is. As long as our spirit remains unbroken, there is no defeat. In life, spiritual defeat always precedes actual defeat. Guard against laziness, cowardice, impatience, resignation and despair which corrode the human spirit and sow the seeds of defeat.

Life Is A River....

Imagine a river....it flows from its source towards a specific destination - the sea. In the course of a river’s journey from its source to its destination, dams may be erected that block its flowing to the sea, or earthquakes may redirect its course into a different channel. A river is victoriously persistent, it overcomes all barriers. The river may twist and turn, fall back on itself and start again or stumble over an infinite series of hindering rocks. Yet, through the indomitable force of its current, that river will, nevertheless, reach the sea. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, and then emerge again broader and grander than ever!

Can a person cross the same river twice? Common sense tells us that this is possible - if one can cross a river, surely one can also return. However, if you think about it at a deeper level, one cannot cross the same river twice, even if crossing at the same spot. A river is never static; it is continuously flowing and constantly changing, although some changes may be too subtle to notice. Rocks may turn to pebbles, some pebbles may have been pushed away or the leaves that swirled around your feet when you crossed in one direction may no longer be there on the return journey. As the river continues to flow, more changes occur and nothing can bring the same river back.

Life is like a flowing river...nothing is permanent...changes, both good and bad, occur along the way and today is all we have. If we have lost today, it is gone forever...we just have to move on. What is important is the here and now and not yesterday or tomorrow. The wise tortoise Master, Oogway, in the movie Kung Fu Panda, said it succinctly, "yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift; that's why it is called the present".

Happiness Is......

Once in a while, I get into a philosophical mood and often wonder what actually is happiness? Are we happy with who, what, or where we are today? Are we having fun? Are we enjoying our careers? Are we excited about our future? Are we living our life to the fullest?

Most of us are searching for something, or sometime in the future when we will finally be happy. We tell ourselves that if we can only get to "that place," then our lives will be perfect. What we miss when we go through life with this perspective is the joy of today, and all the wonderful things that it brings.

So what will it take for us to be happy? Will it be the bigger house, the new car, getting married, getting divorced, becoming pregnant, getting a new job, moving to a new home, etc.? When will we stop running and enjoy what we have today? The search for happiness is internal and impossible to obtain from outside things. Sure, they may make us smile initially, but the emptiness will not go away.

I see happiness as accepting who you are; the good, the bad and the ugly. It's knowing that you are doing the best you can do, and being content with that. This does not mean you ignore what you'd like to improve in your life, but if you only see what's missing, you lose out on "loving" what's great about you.

Being happy also means being grateful for your life….whether it's being grateful for having your health, a job, a place to live, food everyday, or a family that loves you. If you knew that you were going to die in 90 days, would you do things differently? Guess what? You are going to die one day, and you don't know if you even have 90 days. Gratitude, not blame will give you happiness and freedom.

Being happy means having sincere friends who would lend a helping hand in times of need. It also means little things they do for you because you are always being thought of. They accept you for what you are and will always bring a smile on your face no matter how low you feel. Last, but not least, happiness is having a round of golf with my friends and enjoying each other’s company and the lively banter on the golf course – even if we play poorly!

So, what is it going to take to have you be happy today? How much more of your life do you want to live waiting for "someday" to bring you the happiness you crave? It's up to you to create your own happiness. It's up to you to create a life filled with joy rather than sorrow. Why not choose a life filled with happiness today?

Always remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday and all will be well!

The Meaning of Syawal

Yesterday, as I had done for the past 18 years, I visited my deceased partner's grave to offer prayers before the dawning of the month of Syawal. It is a practice by many Muslims to visit the graves of their departed loved ones to offer prayers either on the morning of the 1st of Syawal (Hari Raya day) or earlier.

My son Nash asked me why I only visit his ayah's grave once a year at the end of Ramadan and not at some other time during the year. I remember being taught as a Muslim child that when people die, their souls would be punished for all the wrongdoings in their lifetime. This punishment would go on until Judgement Day and is known as seksa kubur (seksa = suffering; kubur = graveyard). However, during the holy month of Ramadan, the souls would be released from any punishment and that is why we are encouraged to offer extra prayers for their well-being. Muslims would visit the graves of their loved ones to offer prayers in person; hence, you can always see a crowd of people offering prayers at cemeteries before Hari Raya day or on the day itself.

Today, the cemetery was deserted - perhaps because many people had made visits earlier before they head back to their respective kampungs. Armed with an umbrella, some flowers and air zam zam (holy water from Mecca), I made my way to the cemetry. The first thing I noticed since my visit last year was that the area had considerably expanded as more burials had taken place. After reciting verses from the Quran and showering the grave with flowers and holy water, I sat there and suddenly realised that apart from one other couple at the far end of the cemetery, I was alone.

The peace and quiet that I experienced brought home the message that our life on earth is temporary and when we pass on, we are judged by our deeds and for Muslims, whether or not we have practised Islam as prescribed. No amount of material possessions can save us from the seksa kubur that await us for, as human beings, we have all transgressed at some time during our lifetime.

"And your point is?" - you might ask. Well, the point I am trying to make is that all along, I have been pursuing material success with neglect for the spiritual side of me and that I should find a balance between the two in order to achieve peace within. I intend to do so from this Syawal.

On Politics and the Economy

I am a regular viewer of CNN and have been following closely the chain of events that have led to Black Monday (September 15, 2008) - the day when the Dow Index went south and posted its biggest loss since the Great Depression. This was followed by similar losses in stock markets in Europe and Asia. Events were triggered with the problems of mortgage sub-prime rates, the rescue of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac by the US government, the US government buyout of Bear Stearns, the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America, the collapse of another investment bank Lehman Brothers and most recently, the US government bailout of AIG which is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.

This bailout, which cost USD85 billion, is to avert a global financial crisis as AIG's downfall would mean a global financial crisis since its activities are not only limited to insurance but are intertwined with so many aspects of the economy. The impact of Black Monday was far-reaching. In neighboring Singapore, AIA policyholders flocked to its local offices to surrender their policies and cut their losses in anticipation of the worst to come (AIG is AIA's parent company).

Analysts and politicians alike in America (read: McCain/Obama) have commented over what have brought us to this and viewers too have had their say on CNN. The main reasons which stood out as the causes were deregulation, greed and government pandering to special interests.

While all this was going on, our Malaysian politicians (from both sides of the political aisle) continue to engage in antics that the rakyat have had enough of - the cat and mouse game over PKR forming a new government on September 16, lobbying and counter lobbying for positions in the upcoming UMNO elections and inciting racial hatred for political ends, to name a few.

The economic crisis in the United States barely makes headlines in our local press - perhaps the thinking is that this does not concern us. But it does - the fallout will be felt globally as the world is now one big market and what happens in the United States, especially, will trickle down to the rest of the world. The bottom has not been reached in the US and we should prepare ourselves for the worst. When US consumers do not spend, the market for our exports will shrink.

I sincerely hope that our government and opposition alike will step back and take cognisance of the economic turmoil ahead of us and do their best to prepare us for that. A majority of the rakyat are grappling with rising cost of food and services and living from one paycheck to the next, so just cut out the antics and get to work because that is why you were elected! As for the rakyat, they should also play their part and as a start, Muslims celebrating Hari Raya Aidil Fitri in less than two weeks should do so in moderation.