A Woman's Dignity

Watching Oprah Winfrey's interview with Whitney Houston today got me to thinking about a woman's dignity. For the first time, Ms Houston opened up to the world and revealed shocking details about her tumultous relationship with ex-husband Bobby Brown and subsequent drug addiction that destroyed what was once a brilliant career and brought her to the pits of despair.

Her final downfall started after her movie "Bodyguard" which sky-rocketed her to fame. She was adulated and in demand all over the world but Brown could not handle her fame. At home, she tried very hard to make their marriage work and had to take away some of that spotlight off herself to soothe Brown's bruised ego. Brown had numerous affairs and they constantly argued. Brown drank too much and when drunk, he became abusive verbally and emotionally. Although she claimed he was never physically abusive, he had actually slapped her and spat on her face in front of their daughter.

Houston was a woman who believed in her wedding vows and she did everything to please him but at the same time, it was eating her inside. She had fame, fortune and the world at her feet but she was unhappy which eventually led to drugs. She went into rehab but fell off the wagon again later. Finally, her mother took out a court order and brought a sheriff to her house. She demanded that Houston get herself into rehab and make a decision about her marriage. Houston went again into rehab and that was when she finally realised how much Brown had trampled on her dignity and she resolved to finally leave him.

One might ask, why would a famous and wealthy star like Houston put up with an abusive spouse? It would be understandable if she was a homemaker without any prospect of a job to support herself and her daughter. Why do women forgive abusive spouses time and again, only to have the cycle of violence repeated and at what point would a woman come to her senses and see that she should get out?

Other than for economic reasons, one of the factors that make women stay in abusive relationships is their childhood upbringing. Houston was brought up to believe marriage is for keeps and she tried her best to make the marriage work. Another (unexplainable) reason is the belief some woman hold that if she holds on, he would one day come to his senses and change. But an abusive spouse will never change like a leopard would never change its spots.

Men are also good at manipulating their spouses and after a cycle of violence, they beg for forgiveness and promise to change, only to repeat their abusive behaviour. And some women, for no other reason than love for the man, would give in.

Some women stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the children - they become the sacrificial lamb so that their children would have both parents under the same roof -in the belief that children need both parents, never mind that there is the possibility the husband may eventually kill the wife in front of their children.

Other forms of abuse to the dignity of women which many of us do not actually realise are violent pornography, exploitation of women as sex objects to sell products and beauty contests....all done in the name of profit.

Those of us who know of women in abusive marriages should do our best to persuade the woman to seek professional help. Granted, sometimes it may be almost impossible to intervene because of the husband's violence and in such a case, the responsible thing to do is to alert the authorities so that they can look into the matter. If the police cannot help because the woman is not willing to make a report, contact other bodies such WAO, the social welfare department or just any organization that can assist. It is not enough to say "I've made a report and if nothing is done, there's nothing more I can do". We should be socially responsible citizens and there IS something we can do.

It is ironic that one of Houston's chart topper is the song "The Greatest Love of All" and she finally lived up to the lyrics...."no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity..." after so much pain and degradation!