This is a doggone explosive subject to be writing about….you betcha (Sarah Palin-speak)! Dina Zaman dwelled on this touchy topic today in the STAR.
It is quite common for Malay men taking second wives to use the religious line of argument – but didn’t the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) do so? Wonder why they remember the Prophet only when it comes to polygamy? But wait a minute – there are very stringent requirements that must be met before a man can take on a second wife. One of which is that he is to treat both wives equally and fairly not only with regards to material things but also with regards to his affection. If you REALLY believe that he can show the same affection for his second wife (usually younger) and his first wife who had borne him three children, then I would believe that two plus two is five. I think it is humanely impossible for a man to fulfill that criteria. Which tells you that it is not intended that men take more than one wife at their whims and fancy. This reminds me of a scene in the sitcom MASH when this character Ali was asked by his Mat Salleh friend how he divided his time between his two wives. His response, “I spend three days of the week with each wife and on the seventh day, I pray to Allah to give me strength for the next week”!
There are a number of reasons why men take second wives - lust, missing out on life due to marrying too early, and boosting their ego are some of them. Most would go for younger women (sometimes half their age). They would then have children with the younger wife and neglect their children from the first marriage. It seems that if a man has decided to take a second wife, he does not think about the consequences for his family, especially children. Given the usually large disparity in age, it would not be long before wife number two would start to find fault with the marriage....especially if the man is retired, in poor health or no longer able to provide all the material things she once enjoyed. This is when trouble starts.
It is quite common for Malay men taking second wives to use the religious line of argument – but didn’t the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) do so? Wonder why they remember the Prophet only when it comes to polygamy? But wait a minute – there are very stringent requirements that must be met before a man can take on a second wife. One of which is that he is to treat both wives equally and fairly not only with regards to material things but also with regards to his affection. If you REALLY believe that he can show the same affection for his second wife (usually younger) and his first wife who had borne him three children, then I would believe that two plus two is five. I think it is humanely impossible for a man to fulfill that criteria. Which tells you that it is not intended that men take more than one wife at their whims and fancy. This reminds me of a scene in the sitcom MASH when this character Ali was asked by his Mat Salleh friend how he divided his time between his two wives. His response, “I spend three days of the week with each wife and on the seventh day, I pray to Allah to give me strength for the next week”!
There are a number of reasons why men take second wives - lust, missing out on life due to marrying too early, and boosting their ego are some of them. Most would go for younger women (sometimes half their age). They would then have children with the younger wife and neglect their children from the first marriage. It seems that if a man has decided to take a second wife, he does not think about the consequences for his family, especially children. Given the usually large disparity in age, it would not be long before wife number two would start to find fault with the marriage....especially if the man is retired, in poor health or no longer able to provide all the material things she once enjoyed. This is when trouble starts.
Once a man crosses that line in taking number two, numbers three and four would be a piece of cake! Have you ever noticed that in today's KL society, the Datins outnumber the Datuks? That's because most Datuks have at least two Datins, if not more!
I believe the way Islam is administered in this country has encouraged poligamy. The religious department is very pro-lelaki when it comes to administering justice. I know from personal experience and also from the experience of friends who have had the misfortune to deal with the department.
When a woman lodges a complaint about her husband, she is usually sent packing with advice to “work things out”. Even if they appear as a couple, his version of events would probably be given more weight than hers. A friend of mine moved out of her marital home when she found out that her dearest hubby had taken a second wife without her knowledge. In Islam, moving out of the marital home is “nusyuz” (disobedience), no matter what the cause. This is one of the grave sins a wife can commit in a marriage. In retaliation, he refused her request for divorce and left her in limbo (gantung tak bertali) for ten years while he went on with his life and had children with number two. She moved on in her life and ended up living with a man she could not marry because hubby refused to divorce her. So, where is the justice?
He finally recently agreed to divorce her after she threatened to expose some skeletons in his closet. However, divorce was granted on condition that she had no claims to any material possessions they had as a couple. So desperate was she to end this fiasco that she willingly agreed - she literally walked out with only the clothes on her back.
Having been granted a divorce, she had to wait another three months (called the edah period) before she can remarry. This is a religious requirement meant to ensure that the wife being divorced is not pregnant and for the couple to reconcile if they wanted to. The three month-period is to coincide with three menstrual cycles. Being a fifty-something menopausal woman, she requested if the edah can be waived as she is beyond child-bearing age. The department stood its ground that it is a religious requirement that must be complied with. So the woman continued to live in sin for three more months just to comply. Why can’t logic be applied in this case? With so much power placed in their hands, it is no wonder that some Malay men take their marital responsibilities so lightly.
I believe the way Islam is administered in this country has encouraged poligamy. The religious department is very pro-lelaki when it comes to administering justice. I know from personal experience and also from the experience of friends who have had the misfortune to deal with the department.
When a woman lodges a complaint about her husband, she is usually sent packing with advice to “work things out”. Even if they appear as a couple, his version of events would probably be given more weight than hers. A friend of mine moved out of her marital home when she found out that her dearest hubby had taken a second wife without her knowledge. In Islam, moving out of the marital home is “nusyuz” (disobedience), no matter what the cause. This is one of the grave sins a wife can commit in a marriage. In retaliation, he refused her request for divorce and left her in limbo (gantung tak bertali) for ten years while he went on with his life and had children with number two. She moved on in her life and ended up living with a man she could not marry because hubby refused to divorce her. So, where is the justice?
He finally recently agreed to divorce her after she threatened to expose some skeletons in his closet. However, divorce was granted on condition that she had no claims to any material possessions they had as a couple. So desperate was she to end this fiasco that she willingly agreed - she literally walked out with only the clothes on her back.
Having been granted a divorce, she had to wait another three months (called the edah period) before she can remarry. This is a religious requirement meant to ensure that the wife being divorced is not pregnant and for the couple to reconcile if they wanted to. The three month-period is to coincide with three menstrual cycles. Being a fifty-something menopausal woman, she requested if the edah can be waived as she is beyond child-bearing age. The department stood its ground that it is a religious requirement that must be complied with. So the woman continued to live in sin for three more months just to comply. Why can’t logic be applied in this case? With so much power placed in their hands, it is no wonder that some Malay men take their marital responsibilities so lightly.
Some of my married friends tell me they envy my footloose-and-fancy-free single status where I am only accountable to myself. I still believe in the institution of marriage but a woman has to have some degree of financial independence for you never know....they say marriage is like a golden cage - those on the outside wanting to get in and those inside dying to get out!
No comments:
Post a Comment