Of Grief and Bereavement

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. As human beings, we all have loved ones in our lives who mean the world to us and when our loved ones pass on, the grief and sense of loss that we feel are indescribable. It is an experience that we all have to go through at some point in our lives and individuals differ in how they grieve. Grieving is personal and unique to each person just as each person is unique in his/her own way. There is no set time-frame during which grieving would occur but the phases of grieving is universal. This has to happen for grieving is nature's way of allowing the healing process to begin.

“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”
Stephen Levine

Initially, upon the death of a loved one, one may or may not feel anything. In my personal experience, I was numbed by the shock of my spouse's sudden death. It was as if I could not feel anything and I remembered just going through the motions during the funeral. I cried a little but it was mostly because others were crying and not because of the grief within myself. I also cried when my then 4-year old son started crying for his father when the body was being removed from the house for the funeral.

It was only after the funeral when most family members have left that the profound impact of the loss really hit me. As I looked around and saw all his personal belongings, his clothes in the closet and the photos of our family, grief hit me like a ton of rocks and that was when I started to cry uncontrollably. The feeling is hard to describe and only one who has gone through it can understand - it is a mixture of unbearable pain, like a knife searing the very core of my being, the sense of hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, fear and despair. These feelings came and went and when present, caused physical discomfort such as stomach cramps, dizziness, palpitation and shortness of breath. They were welled so deep inside the core of my being and they played up individually and sometimes all at once.

After this initial feeling of intense pain, I went through a phase of self-blame and questions...why me? why now? would this have happened if I had done things differently? was I to blame for what happened...to which there were no answers. During these periods of self-blame, I kept telling myself that as a Muslim, I believe in destiny and that what had happened was destined to happen, no matter what I did. It did help a little but being human, the pain was still there.

As I suddenly became the sole breadwinner of the family, I focused my attention and energies on my job. This, in some way, was also a form of escape for when I was fully occupied, I had no time to dwell on the pain and loss. I was also fully occupied in sorting out matters relating to the administration of his estate. This was a painfully slow process as I had to sort through documents that were brought in from his office.

To a certain degree, I had surpressed my feelings for I had to appear normal at work. To allow proper healing, this should not have happened for it is only in allowing ourselves to grieve that we "release" pent up feelings of sadness within ourselves.

I started to withdraw into my own world and did not want to have anything to do with others outside the family socially. Also during this time, my son showed symptoms of anger and I was advised by the principal of his kindergarten to seek professional help for him. I sought the help of a child psychiatrist and was told that his anger was a manisfestation of the sense of loss that he was feeling as he was too young to verbalise his feelings. This caused me further pain as I was grappling with my own pain and I did not know how to handle his. I remember going through therapy with him and how I cried during therapy as the sense of loss and helplessness amplified. It suddenly hit me that this was going to take a long time since he was only four years old then.

I was fortunate to have my mum with me at that time...she moved in to live with me and she still does. Support, especially from family, and, to a certain extent, from friends is crucial. One should use this and should not be ashamed to ask for help because the sense of being overwhelmed can be suffocating.

As time passed, the pain lessened, albeit very slowly, but I still went through bouts of intense loneliness and pain, usually during the night - for this was the time when I did my crying. I tried not to show my hurt and pain to my son. I told myself that I had to be strong for my son for he depended on me and if I failed, I would fail him too and he has a whole life ahead of him. The immensity of this realization was sometimes frightening but I plodded along.

It took me about a year and a half before I would socialise again but there were still periods during which I wished that I did not have to carry the burden of bringing up a child all on my own. This would usually happen when there were conflicts in my schedule such as when I had to take my son to the clinic when there was an important meeting in the office. I also felt the sense of loss and emptiness when I attended his school sports and concerts for I would see most kids with both their parents while he only had me.

The recovery process is a long one for me. I can now talk about his passing without choking and the pain is gone but his memory lives on. In the death of a spouse, one tends to remember only the sweet memories and overlook those that were less pleasant.

The grieving period is different for each individual but the key is to accept the fact that one has to go through several phases in order for healing to start. Do not suppress your feelings, cry if you must and seek the support of family and friends, even if only as someone to talk to. Try not to be alone and if you belong to an organization or group, it is good to start re-connecting to broaden your network for you are going to begin a new phase in your life. Also, pursuing a hobby helps as you have less time to dwell on your loss. Slowly, you will find that the pain will heal but the memory lives on...remember, it is always the darkest hour before the dawn!

A Woman's Dignity

Watching Oprah Winfrey's interview with Whitney Houston today got me to thinking about a woman's dignity. For the first time, Ms Houston opened up to the world and revealed shocking details about her tumultous relationship with ex-husband Bobby Brown and subsequent drug addiction that destroyed what was once a brilliant career and brought her to the pits of despair.

Her final downfall started after her movie "Bodyguard" which sky-rocketed her to fame. She was adulated and in demand all over the world but Brown could not handle her fame. At home, she tried very hard to make their marriage work and had to take away some of that spotlight off herself to soothe Brown's bruised ego. Brown had numerous affairs and they constantly argued. Brown drank too much and when drunk, he became abusive verbally and emotionally. Although she claimed he was never physically abusive, he had actually slapped her and spat on her face in front of their daughter.

Houston was a woman who believed in her wedding vows and she did everything to please him but at the same time, it was eating her inside. She had fame, fortune and the world at her feet but she was unhappy which eventually led to drugs. She went into rehab but fell off the wagon again later. Finally, her mother took out a court order and brought a sheriff to her house. She demanded that Houston get herself into rehab and make a decision about her marriage. Houston went again into rehab and that was when she finally realised how much Brown had trampled on her dignity and she resolved to finally leave him.

One might ask, why would a famous and wealthy star like Houston put up with an abusive spouse? It would be understandable if she was a homemaker without any prospect of a job to support herself and her daughter. Why do women forgive abusive spouses time and again, only to have the cycle of violence repeated and at what point would a woman come to her senses and see that she should get out?

Other than for economic reasons, one of the factors that make women stay in abusive relationships is their childhood upbringing. Houston was brought up to believe marriage is for keeps and she tried her best to make the marriage work. Another (unexplainable) reason is the belief some woman hold that if she holds on, he would one day come to his senses and change. But an abusive spouse will never change like a leopard would never change its spots.

Men are also good at manipulating their spouses and after a cycle of violence, they beg for forgiveness and promise to change, only to repeat their abusive behaviour. And some women, for no other reason than love for the man, would give in.

Some women stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the children - they become the sacrificial lamb so that their children would have both parents under the same roof -in the belief that children need both parents, never mind that there is the possibility the husband may eventually kill the wife in front of their children.

Other forms of abuse to the dignity of women which many of us do not actually realise are violent pornography, exploitation of women as sex objects to sell products and beauty contests....all done in the name of profit.

Those of us who know of women in abusive marriages should do our best to persuade the woman to seek professional help. Granted, sometimes it may be almost impossible to intervene because of the husband's violence and in such a case, the responsible thing to do is to alert the authorities so that they can look into the matter. If the police cannot help because the woman is not willing to make a report, contact other bodies such WAO, the social welfare department or just any organization that can assist. It is not enough to say "I've made a report and if nothing is done, there's nothing more I can do". We should be socially responsible citizens and there IS something we can do.

It is ironic that one of Houston's chart topper is the song "The Greatest Love of All" and she finally lived up to the lyrics...."no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity..." after so much pain and degradation!

Relationships

(Relationship Mind Map by: Adam Sicinski)

I have often wondered what are the criterion for an ideal relationship between two people who profess to love each other. Is it the similarities that they share, the differences that make them individuals or something in between? It would indeed be boring if your partner likes exactly everything that you like. Likewise, if there are too many differences between them, it would indeed be tough to enjoy each other’s company. If the answer is “something in between”, how do you decide what’s that “something”?

I am one who values my independence to be able to enjoy the company of friends once in a while, instead of being with the same person (even if he is my partner) all the time. I find exclusivity suffocating. Being an Aquarian, I am a free-spirited individual and believe that if I am given the freedom to be myself, I would flourish but if I am reined in, I resent the person reining me and over time, that resentment would show through.

Likewise, I would give my partner free rein to enjoy the company of his friends once in a while, within limits. By the way, these limits apply both ways. In other words, it is freedom to enjoy the company of others but one that is based on trust. Trust is the central tenet to a successful relationship and once that trust is betrayed, I find it difficult to forgive, let alone forget. I feel so strongly about this that I am sure if betrayed, I would want out, without a second thought.

Now, back to that “something” in between. It is hard to define but I think to get the relationship on the right footing, both parties must discuss early in their relationship what their similarities and differences are. Where there are differences, both must be willing to adapt/adjust to the extent that the differences become more palatable to the other. However, the idea is not to adapt/adjust to the point that you become exactly what your partner wants you to be because then, you are no longer yourself.

Another important criteria for me is a partner who is willing to share household chores as I am not particularly domesticated. Sharing such chores will definitely help in bonding. If he is not willing to do so, then a live-in maid would help because a tired wife would not be an ideal partner for intimacy at night.

Communication is also key to a successful relationship because we cannot expect to be mind readers to “know” what the other party wants. It is important to communicate what you want and how you feel about any issue in a positive way, without attacking the other party. Contentious issues are best not discussed in the heat of the moment for it can lead to hurtful words that you don’t mean...difficult as it may be, give it some time and you will find that it is easier to get your point across when you are not angry.

Last but not least, intimacy is also important. My idea of an ideal relationship is one where both partners are not ashamed to verbalize and show their feelings for each other. It would be disappointing to show intimacy to someone who freezes up or behaves like a robot.

A certain degree of freedom based on mutual trust, sharing household chores, open communication, being able to discuss contentious issues in a rational manner and intimacy - are these the ingredients of a successful relationship? Not really, for there are other little things that, if they are missing, could result in BIG issues....aahh, the complexities of life!

The Modernization of Makkah

Makkah’s brand new clock tower, located atop the Royal Clock Tower Hotel, in the Abraj Al Bait Complex, was unveiled on the first day of Ramadhan this year. The clock, believed to be the world’s largest today, has surpassed other world famous clock towers like the Big Ben in London, the Palace of Culture and Science Tower in Warsaw, the Rajabai Tower in Mumbai and the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower in Milwaukee, USA. The unveiling of the clock signalled the start of Arab Standard Time (AST) which is three hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

When completed, the Makkah Royal Clock Tower will be 600 meters high, making it the second highest structure in the world, replacing the 101 Tower in Taiwan, which is 59 meters lower. The highest structure would be the Burj Khalifa Tower (828 meters) in Dubai.

The four faces of the clock are decorated with floral/fauna motives made from 90 million pieces of gold-colored mosaic. Another unique feature is that the clock face is lit by 2 million LED lights, and during the call for prayer, 21,000 of these lights, colored green and white, will light the tower and this light can be seen from a distance of 28 kilometers. The total cost of developing the Abraj Al Bait Complex is a staggering USD3 billion.

In a country awash with petro dollars where a majority of the wealth is owned by a minority of the population, dissenting voices are now heard about the wisdom of such extravagance and opulence in the Holy City. Some also fear that the modernization of Makkah detracts from the raison d’etre of pilgrims converging into Makkah – to worship in front of the House of Allah - the Kaabah. For most people, the sight of the gigantic structure dwarfing the Kaabah would be a distraction.

Artist's Impression of the lights during the call for prayer

Personally, I feel the Saudi Government should give priority to upgrading facilities that dot the landscape in the 475 km stretch between Makkah and Madinah, the two holy cities visited by pilgrims during the Haj. The rest stops and some mosques between these two cities, visited by millions of pilgrims year in and year out, are generally in less-than-desirable conditions. Since Islam is a religion that requires cleanliness in everything we do, something must be done quickly about these facilities.

I also hope that in modernizing Makkah, the Saudi authorities would strike the right balance between modernization and affordability so that the future cost of the pilgrimage may not escalate beyond the reach of the average Muslim. Even with current costs, there are people who sell everything they have just to make that once-in-a-lifetime trip - although Islam requires Muslims to perform the obligatory Haj only if they are physically and financially able.

Responsible Media

“The pen is mightier than the sword”, so the saying goes. After all, wasn’t it Karl Marx’s DAS KAPITAL that initially sowed the seeds of communism in people’s mind until it became a reality resulting in the oppression of millions all over the world? The media can shape people’s opinion, twist the truth or uncover lies, whichever it chooses. With the advent of online media, print media is finding it harder to retain readership and revenue. However, whilst print media needs to increase readership for profit, it also must play it’s social responsibility role and consider the impact of its news on the people.

Karl Marx

There is a worrying trend that today’s print media reports are geared towards sensational reporting to attract readership. A case in point is the reports on centenarian, Mek Wook, whose 23rd marriage to a man 6 decades younger had made national (and, perhaps, international) news. The media has painted her as a forlorn, desperate, centenarian trying to hold on to her marriage to a young husband.

Mek Wook and Hubby

When he went into rehab for substance abuse, there were frequent interviews in which she openly declared her love for him, how she missed him and other mushy stuff that would be close to the legendary love story of Romeo and Juliet. Then, when he was released, she mushed about how she would love to hear the patter of tiny feet and how she kept him by her side by giving massages in “sensitive” areas. Now that he has been re-arrested for drug abuse, she is portrayed again as the forlorn lady pining for her lover.

The poor lady probably enjoyed the attention that she suddenly received from these interviews but, alas, little did she realise that she was being made a laughing stock. I, for one, find these reports demeaning for her and all other women, including myself. I even wrote to one particular newspaper to share my views but the reports continue.

Personally, when my late husband was killed in a skydiving accident 21 years ago, I was also a victim of sensational reporting by a local Chinese media. He fell to his death at the former Bulatan Merdeka in front of Dewan Bahasa, next to the Merdeka Stadium. It was a Sunday afternoon and the reporter happened to be caught in a traffic jam at the very spot. He snapped bloody pictures of the deceased and came to my house to meet me. When I refused to meet him, he showed the bloody pictures to my family, including my 4-year old son, causing him to suffer nightmares for months and I had to seek psychiatric help for him.

The media should be more socially responsible and use it’s influence to help resolve social ills amongst the young, such as baby dumping, instead of resorting to tabloid-style reporting to capture readership.

Building Sandcastles In The Air....

Second Honeymoon Packages for couples in troubled marriages are being extended to all Malaysians. Modules to help couples include romantic walks along and beach and building sandcastles together

Four couples, whose marriages were on the brink, recently participated in a state-government sponsored trial program aimed at saving troubled marriages. Dubbed as the Second Honeymoon Package, the program was touted a “success” because the couples said they were “happy” again after the 3D/2N honeymoon on a resort island. The module includes intimate activities ranging from romantic walks along serene beaches to building sandcastles together. There were also marriage counsellors on hand to give tips on enhancing relationships.

Oh come on! Who are we kidding? Anyone would be happy if they had a 3D/2N break on a resort island courtesy of the government! If only life is that simple…you have been at each other’s throats for years (maybe even decades) and then you pack off for a 3D/2N getaway on a resort island minus the children and…Voila…all is well again!

I am surprised that the counsellors involved in the program did not advise the powers that be that like in every aspect of life, problems in a marriage can only be solved if we can identify them and then work on them. To claim success just because the couples were happy immediately after the getaway is just premature.

Couples in the West go through long therapy sessions with their counsellors to save a troubled marriage and even then, success cannot be guaranteed. Human relationships are complex... throw in financial woes, the children, work and in-laws…and you can see why marriages need hard work by both parties.

Back to the Second Honeymoon Package, it was announced that due to the “success” of the pilot program, it will now be extended to all Malaysians. The module will be similar and there will be a minimum charge imposed for out-of-state participants.

There are ramifications that must be considered. Possible abuse is one…a 3D/2N getaway on a resort island at minimum charge is too tempting that couples may even pretend to have marriage problems so that they can be included. Consideration must also be given to the socio-economic background of our lower income families who usually tend to have more children. A vacation, if you ever get one, is a luxury and the children are included. Even for middle class families, it is generally geared towards having the whole family together. It would not be good for the children, for example, if mum and dad whisked off to a resort island leaving them behind when they never had vacations before…the issues are endless.

This appears to be a hastily cooked-up program at the expense of taxpayers. The authorities have obviously not given much thought but one thing they are thinking of is a solution to tackle nagging wives. This is being considered for inclusion in the module because the state Religious Department recently claimed that nagging is one of the contributing factors in separation amongst elderly couples…bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla!!!

Oh, Father Joseph!

When Older Men Take Younger Brides

The local media was abuzz last week with reports that two local artistes, in their 50's, had taken younger brides - one was more than half the man's age!

Singer Shidee, 50, had married a lady aged 22. The marriage had tongues wagging because he initially had a romantic relationship with her mum, 45. However, during the course of their courtship, he fell for the daughter instead. Her children had known him as Papa and Uncle and she even claimed that she had helped him financially, with a promise of marriage in return (sounds familiar?). In a classic case of "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", she lodged a police report that her daughter had eloped with Shidee. Her daughter countered with a police report that she had married him willingly. Later, she (unwillingly) said that she accepted him as her son-in-law....but would only be ready to meet them if he can prove that he can provide for his wife (apparently, he does not have a permanent job and they are boarding with a friend).

Shidee and his bride

Mum-in-law/former love interest

Comedian/actor Imuda, who is 50+, made headlines in the local press many years ago when he was diagnosed with kidney failure. He had to plead for donations and many of his friends in the entertainment industry helped to pay the bills.

So, it was a shock to many readers to learn that he recently forked out RM22,222.22 in dowry to marry a lady aged 28. For someone who could not pay his medical bills, it must have been a hefty sum to raise for the hand of a maiden....and you cannot help but wonder where his priorities lie. If he should fall ill again in the future, would he be pleading for donations again?

One also wonders what these young ladies were looking for when they agreed to marry men old enough to be their fathers. Were they looking for that fifteen minutes of fame, no matter what the consequences are? Both said they fell for their men because they were kind-hearted, understanding and loving - that they did not look beyond economic factors, their spouse's health and what happens when that heady romance wanes off! As for the men, it was an attempt to shore up their ego... and a testimony of their virility to be able to have a wife young enough to be a daughter....a trophy wife! For a kidney patient, one wonders if he would he be able to handle a young wife?

We wish them well and let's hope we don't see them in the divorce court five years down the road!

Tiger By The Tail

This Country and Western song about Tiger's infidelity is just super!!!

Golf Fun Game - Korea vs The Rest of The World

The coveted Challenge Trophy

This was another fun game organized by KDE ladies to break the monotony of golf competitions. This time, The Rest of The World (ROTW) decided to take on the Koreans! ROTW was represented by golfers from Malaysia, Japan, Holland, Thailand, Indonesia and Taiwan.

Pre-game briefing for ROTW members

Posing with the challenge trophy - in case we did not see it again!

Many likened this challenge to the legendary David vs Goliath battle. Everyone, ourselves included, had a sense of foreboding before the game....the Korean ladies are good...they had to be good for they are at the golf course every day of the week, even when the course is closed for maintenance! They have their own teaching pro and are very serious at their game. They all have the same kind of golf swing, are very methodical and they work very hard at the driving range.

With my flight-mate, Rahimah

Our Korean opponents

To add variety to the fun game, there were certain obstacles at all the par threes. At hole number 2, one had to tee off sitting on a chair; at hole number 4, teeing off was done with one feet in a tyre and at hole number 8, it was done with an oven glove on one hand.

Now, how do I do this?

I hope I don't trip....

What is an oven doing on the golf course?

It was a close fight and to our surprise, The Rest of The World (ROTW) won 159 points to 156, thereby winning the challenge trophy for 2010. The gross winner was Shim (Korea) while the nett winner was Maisarah (ROTW).

The victorious ROTW team!

Gross winner, Shim (Korea)

Nett winner, Maisarah (ROTW)

Everyone had a great time judging from the smiling faces after the game!

Golf Fun Game - Zoo Keeper

KDE ladies organized a fun game this week called the Zoo Keeper. It was a golf competition with a difference. The objective is not to hit your ball into the bunker, water, OB-marked areas and also not to three-putt. Any golfer hitting these shots would be penalized by being given a card with the picture of an animal (turtle for bunker, fish for water, monkey for OB and donkey for 3-putts). The card then changed hands during the game; and the golfer holding the card with the most animals at the last hole will be a candidate for Zoo Keeper. The number of animals will be tallied to determine who has the most animals and that person would be crowned the Zoo Keeper.

Audi was appointed the Captain in charge of organizing the event and yours truly was one of the volunteers. As funds were limited, the ladies got creative and decided to decorate the Club House with pictures of animals. Audi's other half volunteered to draw the outline of the animals and the ladies then got down to coloring the animals, cutting them out and mounting them on styrofoam boards.

Audi, yours truly and Irene busy coloring and cutting...back to kindy!

Friday morning dawned with a slight drizzle but the ladies arrived in high spirits...all forty-four of them. There was alot of bantering as many took the opportunity to reconnect with friends they had not seen for a while. The Korean ladies came out in full force and we had a group from MALGA. One golfer even flew down from Bangkok to participate!

Our collective work of art - decor for the Club House

A good time was had by all. Although it was supposed to be fun, the pressure was unbelievable - especially putting to avoid the 3-putts!! Yours truly did not play well and three-putted the last hole so I got to keep the Donkey card (with 4 donkeys) in my flight - dang!

The next event on the cards will be the Valentine Blind Date game in February 2010....male golfers would pick their lady partners by drawing lots....that should be interesting!

The winner of the Fish Award - for most number of balls in water

Bananas for the winner of the Monkey Award - most number of OBs

...and carrots for the Donkey Award - most number of 3-putts

Karin flew in from Bangkok to participate

(L to R) Yih Ching, Aini, Zahariah and Rosni (seated)

Rabiatul (in blue) led the MALGA team

Anite, Winnie and Roza

Jose and Company

Yours truly and buggy mate, Zahariah

Happy Faces although scores could be better!

Winner of the Best Dressed Award

The Korean ladies came out in full force...three of them pictured here

Judy won the Zoo Keeper Award for 2009!

Uproar About Fake Hymen Kit

In a country noted for honour-killings due to loss of a woman's virginity, the fake hymen kit is god-sent. This product, made in China by a company called Gigimo, is advertised on its website and Egyptian politicians have demanded a ban on the product as it will encourage illicit sex outside the confines of marriage.

However, the product has met with some support. An Egyptian blogger and activist for women’s rights said the Artificial Virginity Hymen "sticks in the face of every male hypocrite" in an Arab culture that condemns women’s sexuality but turns a blind eye to male promiscuity.

The product consists of a pouch that is inserted into the vagina before sex and leaks a blood-like substance when broken during intercourse.

In broken English, the product advertisement goes as follows: “No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime... Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable”.

A fake hymen with fake moans and groans - perhaps centenarian Wook Kundor's secret is about to be unravelled????

Note:

Wook Kundor, a centenarian aged 107, made headlines in Malaysia when she married, for the 22nd time, a 38-year old bachelor...