Now...FB Is Blamed for Rising Divorce Cases!

First, women were blamed for being dangerous drivers who cause accidents, then women were blamed for being such distractions at traffic lights that when an aroused husband goes home and is ignored by his wife...he goes out and have affairs...and now....a Senator has blamed FB for rising divorce cases. He said a man could get attracted to someone he met on FB even after he already had a wife. "When he logs on to FB, he sees a woman he likes and she is pretty. The Government needs to look into this problem," he added. (????)

In response, a female Deputy Minister rebutted his claim and she said that according to research by JAKIM (Islamic Development Department), divorce cases were caused by irreconciliable differences, irresponsible spouses, polygamy and drug abuse. In 2009, 135,136 muslim marriages were registered while 27,116 cases involving divorce proceedings were filed!

I wonder what else women will be blamed for.....causing earthquakes and tsunamis??? If our men are too weak-kneed that they cannot resist pretty faces....is that the Government's problem????? There are many other pressing issues requiring the Government's attention and we expect our elected representatives to be astute enough to know what these issues are.....

Why Is Pork Prohibited in Islam?

Translation of extract from “20 Frequently Asked Questions on Islam” by Dr. Zakir Abdul-Karim Naik. Dr. Zakir is a medical doctor who gave up his medical profesion in order to become involved full-time in religious activities. He aims to explain the basis of Islam and expunge misconceptions of Islam using logic and science. He was the founder and president of the Islamic Research Foundation (IRF) Mumbai, India.

It is generally well-known that pork is prohibited in Islam. The following facts explain various aspects of this prohibition:

1. The Al-Qur'an prohibits eating of pork.

The Al-Qur'an prohibits eating of pork in not less than four different verses. The prohibition can be found in Verses 2:173, 5:3, 6:145 and 16:115.

"Forbidden to you (for food) are: Al-Maytah (the dead animals - cattle - beast not slaughtered), blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which Allah's Name has not been mentioned while slaughtering.....".

The above Verse is sufficient to convince Muslims regarding prohibition of pork.

2. Pork is also prohibited in the Bible.

All Christians believe in their holy book. The Bible prohibits consumption of pork in the Book of Leviticus:

".....and the swine, though it divides the hoof, having cloven hooves, yet does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. Their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch."

(Leviticus 11:7-8)

Pork is also prohibited in the Bible according to the Book of Deuteronomy:

"......and the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcass."

(Deuteronomy 14:8)

Similar prohibition is also repeated in the Bible, in the Book of Isiah, Chapter 65, Verse 1-5.7.

3. Consumption of pork contributes to many diseases.

Non-Muslims and Atheists will only agree with the above if they can be convinced through reasoning, logic and science. Consumption of pork can cause not less than seventy types of various diseases. One can catch various helminthiasis such as round worm, pinworm, threadworm and others. Among the most dangerous is Taenia Solium, or, in general terminology, tapeworm. It resides in the intestine and is very long. Its ovum, or eggs, enter the bloodstream and is able to reach all organs of the body. If it enters the brain, it can cause amnesia. If it enters the heart, it will cause heart seizure. If it enters the eyes, it can cause blindness and if it enters the liver, it causes liver damage. It can damage almost all organs in the body.

Another form of helminthiasis is Trichura Trichuriasis (affecting primarily the tissues of the cecum, appendix, colon and rectum). The most common misconception regarding pork is that cooking pork properly can kill the ovum. In a research project conducted in the United States, it was found that out of twenty-four persons who suffered from Trichura Trichusiasis, twenty-two of them had cooked pork properly, prior to eating. This showed that cooking pork at normal cooking temperature does not kill the ovum.

4. Pigs have fat building materials in them.

Pork has very little muscle-building materials but is high in fat content. This fat is stored in the arteries and can cause hypertension (high blood pressure) and heart attacks. It is not surprising that more than 50% of Americans suffer from hypertension.

5. Pigs are the dirtiest animals on earth.

Pigs live and breed on litter, waste and filth. In rural India, there are no modern toilets and villagers excrete in open areas. Usually, the faeces are eaten by pigs.

Some may argue that in modern countries like Australia, pigs are reared in clean places. Although the place is clean, pigs are reared in large numbers in sties. No matter how hard you try to keep the place clean, by nature pigs are dirty animals. They eat and enjoy their own and each other's faeces in their pens.

Polygamy - Why does Islam allow men to have more than one wife?

Translation of extract from “20 Frequently Asked Questions on Islam” by Dr. Zakir Abdul-Karim Naik. Dr. Zakir is a medical doctor who gave up his medical profesion in order to become involved full-time in religious activities. He aims to explain the basis of Islam and expunge misconceptions of Islam using logic and science. He was the founder and president of the Islamic Research Foundation (IRF) Mumbai, India.

1. Definition of Polygamy

Polygamy is a marriage system where one is allowed to have more than one spouse. There are two types of polygamy. Firstly, polygamy, where a man has more than one wife and the other other is polyandry - where a woman has more than one husband. In Islam, limited polygamy is allowed; while polyandry is prohibited.

Back to the original question; why are men allowed to have more than one wife?

2. The Qur'an is the only holy book in the world that states "marry only one". No other holy book on this earth dictates that a man marries only one spouse. This is not mentioned in other holy books such as Vedas, Ramyanan, Mahabharat, Geetha, Talmud or the Bible. The limit on only one wife cannot be found in these other holy books. According to these holy books, one is allowed to marry as many as one desires. It was only later that Hindu scholars and the Christian Church imposed a limit of only one wife.

Polygamy is allowed in Judaism. According to the Talmud, Abraham had three wives while Solomon had hundreds of wives. The practice of polygamy continued until Rabbi Gersom ben Yehudah (960-1030) issued an edict that prohibited polygamy. The Sephardic Jewish community who lived in Islamic countries continued the practice of polygamy until as late as 1950 when an Act was enacted by the Israeli Chief Rabbi Court, banning its followers to have more than one wife.

3. Polygamy is practised by more followers of Hinduism compared to followers of Islam.

A report by the Committee on the Status of Women in Islam issued in 1975 mentioned on Pages 66 and 67 that between 1951 and 1961, the percentage of polygamous marriages was 5.06% among followers of Hinduism and only 4.31% amongst followers of Islam. According to Indian laws, only Islamic men are allowed to have more than one wife. Although it is prohibited, followers of Hinduism have more wives than followers of Islam. Previously, there was no limit on the number of wives even for Hindu men. It was only in 1954 that the Hindu Marriages Act was passed, prohibiting Hindu men from having more than one wife. Now, it is the laws of India and not the Hindu holy books that prohibit Hindu men from having more than one wife.

Let us analyse why Islam allows men to have more than one wife.

4. Al-Qur'an allows limited polygamy.

As mentioned previously, the Al-Qur’an is the only holy book on this earth that states “marry only one”. The context of this statement is from the following verse in the Qur’an:

"...then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one..."

(An Nisa' = The Women; 4:3)

Before the Qu’ran was revealed, there was no limit on polygamy and many men had multiple wives; some even had hundreds of wives. Islam has a limit of up to four wives. Islam allows men to marry two, three or four wives ON CONDITION they are fair to all wives.

In the same verse (An Nisa' 4:129), it is stated:

"And you will never be able to do perfect justice between wives...."

Polygamy, therefore, is the exception rather than the rule. Many mistakenly believe that an Islamic man must have more than one wife.

In general, there are five things that are allowed/not allowed in Islam:

i. “Fardu” which is mandatory or required;

ii. “Mustahab” which is recommended or encouraged;

iii. “Mubah” which is allowed or permitted;

iv. “Makruh” which is not recommended or encouraged;

v. “Haram” which is prohibited.

Polygamy falls into the third category of things which are allowed. It cannot be assumed that men with two, three or four wives are truer believers than those with only one wife.

5. On average, women have longer lifespan than men.

Men and women are born with approximately the same ratio. A female child has higher immunity compared to a male child. For this reason, from the paediatric ages, there are more deaths amongst males than females.

In wars, more men than women perish. More men than women die of accidents and diseases. The average lifespan of women is higher than that of men and at any one time, there are more widows than there are widowers.

6. India has a high population of males due to infanticide of female fetuses. India is one of several nations, together with other neighboring nations, where the female population is lower than that of males. This is due to the high rate of infanticide involving female babies in India and the fact that more than one million fetuses are aborted each year in that country when the sex of the fetuses are identified. If this heinous practice is topped, India too will have more females than males.

7. The female population in the world exceeds that of males.

In America, women outnumber men by 7.8 million. New York alone has 1 million more women than men and amongst the male population in New York, a third of them are homosexuals. Overall, more than 25 million of the American population are gays and lesbians. This group of population has no interest to marry women. The population of women in Great Britain exceed that of men by 4 million. German women outnumber their men by 5 million. In Russia, the number of women is 9 million more than men. Only God knows how many women there are in the world compared to men.

8. To limit each and every man to only one wife is not practical.

If every man is allowed to have only one wife, there are still 30 million women in America who cannot get married (based on the fact that there are 20 million gays and lesbians in America). In Britain, there will be more than 4 million women, 5 million in Germany and 9 million women in Russia will not be able to find husbands.

Let's assume that my sister is one of the women who is not married in America. There are only two choices left for her; either marry someone else's husband or become "public property". Those with dignity will surely choose the former.

In Western society, it is common for men to have mistresses and/or extramarital affairs where the women live a scandalous existence and are not protected. The same society, however, cannot accept a situation where a man has more than one wife, where the woman can defend her honor and dignity in society by living a protected existence.

As such there are two choices for women who are unable to find husbands; marry someone else's husband or become public property. Islam stresses that women be placed in a respectable position by allowing the first option and prohibiting the second.

There are many other reasons why Islam allows limited polygamy, but the main objective is to protect the dignity of women.

The Musical Genes In Me

Friends have often asked where the musical genes came from in my family. Well, to start with, mum‘s family has roots in the town of Kota Rajo in the Rao (or Rawo) region of Sumatra, and hers was a musically-inclined family.

It is a well-known fact that people from Rao (known locally as "orang Rawo") are musically-inclined. Some well-known personalities include actress/singer Azean Irdawaty, former Radio Malaysia announcer, Nor Azah Aziz and Mazuin Hamzah, who was once a member of the band Quinary M. In my family, they include my mum, son (Nash), youngest sister (Nor Azian), aunt (Zainah Zain) and my nephew (Ismail Hj Yusof). Among my friends, one example is the late Sirajuddin Mahmud, who was married to my friend Zawiyah Hashim. Siraj and Nor Azah Aziz were cousins.

As historical background, settlers from Rao migrated to the then Malay Peninsula from as early as the 18th century. They settled mostly in Perak (Gopeng, Tapah, Tanjung Malim) and also in Penang and Pahang. Some noted Rao personalities in Malaysia today include Datuk Seri Rafidah Aziz, Tan Sri Ahmad Sarji and the late Haji Yusuf Rawa (the first President of PAS).

Rao region of Sumatra

As a teenager growing up in Selama, Perak, mum played the accordion and also the piano; picking up the skills merely by listening. Her late aunt (Wo Tupin; wo = aunt) had piano lessons at home. It was a ploy by her then philandering husband to get her distracted so that he could carry out his dalliances. He was a playboy of sorts. His name was Alwee Bin Hussain and we called him Atwok Luwi (Atwok = grandpa or, sometimes, grandma). After his family suffered a downturn in fortune, they moved from Sumatra to Penang where they set up business selling the quran and other religious materials at Acheen Street.

Atwok Luwi went to Penang Free School with the late Tunku Abdul Rahman who moved on to study at Cambridge on a scholarship. Tunku would later become the first Malayan Prime Minister when Malaya gain independence from Great Britain in 1957. Atwok Luwi lived a colourful life and he was one of the first Malays in Penang to own a red sports car! In his heydays, Atwok Luwi was a dapper gentleman, with his hair parted in the middle in the style of King George V. Atwok Luwi went on to marry a lady whom we called Tok Jah and in his old age, Atwok Luwi retired and died in Kuala Ketil, Kedah.

King George V

A grand-uncle of mine, Mokhtar, known to mum as Mamak Muntak (mamak = uncle), played the clarinet, trumpet, saxophone and violin. I remember the good old days when I would watch him wide eyed tuning up his musical instruments in the light provided by a kerosene lamp. Mamak Muntak was a spoilt child and he never married; earning his living playing in travelling fun fairs and even at Chinese funeral processions!

So, I guess it is not surprising that Nash and I inherited the musical genes. My youngest sister has a lovely singing voice too but my eldest sister has a poor sense of music!

My favourite joke - “I come from a family of singers, even my sewing machine is a SINGER”!

Religious (In)Tolerance: A Baby-boomer's View

As a baby-boomer, I started primary school at a Convent school in Ipoh in the late ‘50s (1959, to be exact). In those days, a Convent-education was sought after because the Nuns who run the schools were strict - we were subjected to strict discipline and in our school work, we were expected to cross every “t” and dot every “i”. My eldest sister was also convent-educated. So were my two aunts, their children and their grandchildren.

To encourage us to speak good English, anyone who spoke in their mother-tongue in class would be fined one sen (RM0.01) per incident. This sometimes happened when students interacted socially in class and sometimes, the Nuns/teachers heard those side conversations. Considering that for some of us lunch money back then was 10 sen (RM0.10) per day, to be fined one sen was frightening; especially since students may have repeat incidents. The money collected would be used to buy books for the school library and our subjects during the week included time in the Library where teachers read to us (I remember my favourite book was titled “Jack and Jill”).

I remember one day when I returned from school, after lunch, my late father asked me (in front of my mother) what I had learnt at school that day. Being an impressionable seven-year old, I proudly recited the Catholic prayers that were being recited every morning during assembly. Muslim students were exempted from reciting these prayers but at that age, our brains absorbed knowledge very quickly. So, I stood at attention and proudly recited the following prayers (including emulating the cross on my forehead, chest, right shoulder and left shoulder):

"Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen".

"Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

My mum almost hit the roof because in her mind, it confirmed her suspicion that the Nuns were trying to convert me to Christianity and she blamed my father for insisting that I was enrolled in a Convent school. My father then quietly explained to me that the prayers I just recited were for Christians but being Muslims, our prayers were different, although I knew it then because I had learnt to read the Quran by then and we were also taught the basics of prayers.

Fast forward 52 years…..today, I am still a grounded Muslim and I am trying to improve my understanding and appreciation of the religion that I was raised to believe in. To this day, I am still able to recite the Catholic prayers above but that does not make me a Christian or any less a Muslim.

In a multi-racial society such as Malaysia, we should be more tolerant and not look at others' religion through our individual lenses that are colour-tinted by our religious beliefs.

The Story of Sam and Esther

Featured in this blog is a video from the San Damiano Foundation, a Christian Charity organization that uses the power of heart-rending videos to tell the stories of the plight of orphans in a remote village in Uganda.

In this video, Jane, a shrivelled 8-year old orphan is shown caring for her two siblings, Sam and Esther. Sam and Esther are severely malnourished and when the San Damiano crew arrived at the little hamlet, they found Sam and Esther lying naked and dirty in the dirt…unattended.

As the crew wondered who these two skeletal children belong to, Jane, a wizened 8-year old, appeared from the bushes, carrying some water. Jane was “big sister” to Sam and Esther and she had left them for a while to fetch water to bathe her dirt-ridden siblings.

One has to have a heart of stone not to be moved by Jane’s story. Her story is one of sacrifice of a child for her two siblings. Jane was forced into the role of care-giver for Sam and Esther and she could not give them food but she gave them the only thing she had left…love.

The San Damiano crew, one of whom unashamedly burst into tears watching this haunting scene of despair and deprivation, gave Jane some biscuits from their supply of food. Without hesitation, Jane gave a biscuit each to Sam and Esther before enjoying one herself. Even though she was hungry, she knew she had to feed Sam and Esther before attending to her needs.

The message in this heart-tugging video is very powerful indeed. It speaks of the ultimate sacrifice of an 8-year old for her orphaned siblings…it speaks of compassion that some of us no longer have in our hearts as we engage in the exclusive pursuit of material things…and it speaks of a religious-based Charity organization doing what it could to make a difference. There are so many ways to make a difference; yet some of our religious organisations chose to spend time to engage in a lengthy discourse on why Poco-Poco should be banned as HARAM rather than do whatever it can to make this world a better place!

To quote from the San Damiano website:

“The vision for San Damiano films is twofold: to raise funds for Christian charities aiding the world’s poor and to awaken the hearts and minds to the plight of the poor, hopefully inspiring viewers to serve those in need through acts of compassion and mercy. Please remember that “every act of mercy and kindness brings us closer to the reality of God”.

(This video first appeared in a posting of a FB friend, Mior Rosli…thank you for helping us to open our eyes)

“There is none so blind as he who will not see….” (Anon)

On Honorifics

Malaysia is a country where Honorifics (titles such as Tan Sri, Datuk Seri, Datuk, etc.) have become a fixation. I am always nervous when meeting “titled” people because I cannot keep up with who has what title. Many former colleagues of mine have moved on and are now “Datuks” and I don’t want to offend “Datuk Ahmad” by greeting him with a “how are you, Mat?”

If that is not bad enough, we also have to deal with some wives (not all) who are very particular that they are addressed correctly too, even when socialising with friends.

I remember an incident when I attended an engagement ceremony with my mum. The person who invited us was a relative with a title…..so, many ladies amongst the guests had titles too. As in any Malay engagement ceremony, we were seated on the carpet and my mum was getting restless as the ceremony had not started. A group of well-dressed ladies were heard chatting about their family. Each of the ladies had a title as they addressed each other as either Puan Sri or Datin. My mum then whispered to me…”these ladies appear to be good friends but they are addressing each other by title...why can't they address each other by name?”

A friend once told me she was in an elevator in an upscale hotel and a smartly-dressed lady walked in. My friend, being the ever friendly person that she is, thought the lady looked like she was a Datin and greeted her with a “Good morning, Datin”…to which the latter scowled at her and announced “I’m a Puan Sri”! Ooooops!

In yet another situation, a Datuk had three wives and all use the title Datin. Wife No. 2 was divorced but she continued to use the title. One day, a friend of mine, who happened to know both Wife No. 1 and No. 2, received a call from No. 1 advising her not to address No. 2 as Datin as she was no longer married to the Datuk. My friend then decided that she would stop addressing Wife No. 1 and No. 2 by title but explained herself before doing so. Her reason? As an outsider it was impossible for her to know who's been divorced so to be safe and since they went back a long way, she would prefer to address them by name.

Go to any golf club and you will find a large number of the ladies have titles. In one particular club, the Indonesian lady manning the half-way hut addressed all lady golfers (including yours truly) as “Tin” (short for Datin). I told her that I was not one and that she should be careful when addressing all ladies as Datins because a Puan Sri might be offended if she is being addressed as Datin. Looking worried, she said she could not tell who is a Puan Sri….poor lady, she was obviously terrified that a Puan Sri might take offence and report her to the management!

Malaysian Women Speak Out

Malaysian women have become Ministers, achieved senior positions in the Military, broken the glass ceiling, overtaken the men in academic achievements, and raised decent children without the presence of fathers who were not there as they had other families – yet they are constantly subjected to disparaging remarks by none other than the powers that be in the august House of Parliament….and we do not have a right to feel outraged????? We want to be treated with dignity and respect and here’s your opportunity to be heard. Ladies, please pass this message on – it’s time we stand up for ourselves for no one else will do it for us!

IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO WE

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I am a widow who single-handedly raised a son who lost his ayah at age 4 (he's now 26). I am apolitical, I am not beholden to special interest, I have no business interest, I pay my taxes and yet, I am not treated with the respect and dignity that I deserve by the powers that be. Women have become the butt of jokes by our leaders and the majority of us are too afraid to say anything publicly.

I have volunteered to become the voice of the silent majority because I personally feel we deserve better. For all our contributions, we women cannot, for the life of us, understand this cruel fixation on us in the corridors of power and we are clueless as to why this has been allowed to go on for so long. Given this cavalier attitude towards women, why are our leaders surprised when we see violence against our mothers, daughters, sisters, etc? We search for answers that are in front of our eyes. Women are ridiculed yet they are depended upon for the success of PERMATA.

To the men reading this, please remember "women" include wives, mothers, sisters, daughters!

Now Every Mak Cik, Ah Soh and Aci Can Fly

Our back-and-forth decision on the use of the English language have put us in a position where, if we want to be a global player, we seriously need to do something about it...SOON!

On a recent trip to Ho Chih Minh City proudly flying on our made-in-Malaysia low-cost carrier, Air Asia, it was announced on arrival that the ground temperature was 11 degrees celsius but because the announcement was so poorly enunciated, not many passengers understood the message as they were just interested to push their way through to disembark...Malaysian-style!

A shocked leader of a group of boisterous tourists from Mumbai, seated on a window-side seat, peered into the distance and exclaimed (Peter Sellers-style)...."Oh my God...vhere are vhee"???

And I quietly thought to myself "mano tompek sojuk ni...dah tibo neghori omputeh ko?? Tapi kojap bonar dah tibo...baju paneh eden tak bawak eh...!!!!!"

To my fellow Malaysians, to understand what I was thinking about, ask someone from Negeri Sembilan or, even certain parts of Malacca!

My heartiest congratulations to Datuk Seri Tony Fernandes on being conferred the prestigious Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE) award from HRH Queen Elizabeth II today. We Malaysians are proud of you!!

A Momentous Day In My Life....

Today, I made a decision to be involved in social work to help women. I will be 60 in February 2012 and over the last few months, I have taken stock of my life and how I can give back to society. I feel for my fellow sisters some of whom are so desperately at the mercy of the men in our lives. I am going into this with my eyes open...I know it will not be easy but if I can make a difference even to ONE woman, then, it would have been worth it....and, this is not an April Fool's joke!

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause...

(The Impossible Dream)

Women of Substance

I had endured many personal tragedies in my life….from the tragic death of my husband when I became a 37-year old widow with a 4-year old child, to the numerous surgeries that I had since then, several of which were botched-up jobs requiring further surgeries, to my mum’s cancer.

Amongst my closest friends, some call me "Iron Lady" given the endless tests of endurance that fate had dealt me and the fact that I have several metal implants in my body. Some look up to me as a role model of a woman with the iron will to survive despite the odds that are stacked against her.

When my late husband died in a pool of blood due to a skydiving accident on August 13, 1989 which attracted wide media coverage, my life changed forever. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine what it would be like to be father, mother, carer and provider for my then 4-year old child. I was left to fend for my child and a dependent mother, who, in the course of time, became stricken with cancer. She was stricken with cancer at the most inopportune moment in my life – when I was recovering from a nervous breakdown. Then, while caring for a sick mother, I had to undergo surgery. When I think about it now, I too am amazed at my own strength but in actually going through those tragic events, I had never stopped to think about where the strength came from; instead, I just took it in my stride.

For some, the term “woman of substance”, conjures pictures of a celebrated female personality who had survived the odds, perhaps someone like Erin Brokovich, an unemployed single mother who became a legal assistant and almost single-handedly brought down a California power company accused of polluting a city’s water supply. Or, it could be someone like Oprah Winfrey who had endured sexual abuse in her adolescent years and yet, today, she is one of the most powerful women in the world.

Actually, many ordinary women, even housewives, can be considered as women of substance. For example, an uneducated wife with seven children who struggled to help her husband put food on the table by selling kueh, while at the same time bringing up her children to ensure they have a decent chance in life – a life better than what their parents had. It could also be the single mother who fights doggedly for custody of her children in court, or a woman who faces life’s challenges head-on, knowing that the fight would not be easy. On the other hand, it could also be a woman who is compassionate about others, well-versed about what goes on in her surroundings, who not only works out of the house but also gives back to society by being involved in charitable deeds and, at the same time, having her own interests outside her home/family.

What drives a woman to fight even though the odds are stacked against her? Personally, I never gave it a second thought – when faced with a dire situation, our innate fight or flight response takes over. I just knew that something had to be done and whatever I did, it had to be for the good of myself and my family…there are no two ways about it. Yes, I would consider the consequence of my actions but I am willing to face the risks. I tell myself that if I do not do anything about it, nobody else will, so, if it is to be, it is up to ME!

Being informed is definitely important when one has to make a decision especially one that is health-related. In cases involving my health, I accessed the Internet to find out more about my medical condition which I then discussed with my surgeon, before making a decision. I believe that making an informed decision this way is much better than having someone else in the family decide for me. Although I am fearful of going under the knife, having gone through so many surgeries, I psych myself up by focusing on getting well and not what can go wrong during a surgery.

Aside from dealing with my personal tragedies head-on, I had a challenging job that I strove to excel in and I somehow managed to also find the time to study for a Masters degree through distance learning…something which I had always aspired to do but my personal circumstances got in the way. Outside of work and family, I keep myself busy with hobbies and friends. I am an optimist by nature and although I had gone through moments of dark despair when all seemed so hopeless, somehow, I had always managed to bounce back more determined.

Some of my friends are amazed at my ability to face life’s toughest challenges head-on and still survive. To which I say believe in yourself and whatever you do, do it because you believe it is right and not because someone else tells you it is the right thing to do. I also have this fighting spirit in me and believe that one cannot give up without a fight. Nobody can criticise the decisions I have made for they are not in my shoes. I may have made the wrong decisions for which I have to face the consequences but that is definitely preferable to lamenting on an adverse outcome because I did what I was asked to without believing in it or, worse still, because I did nothing! Insya’Allah, with blessings from the Almighty, I will prevail.

Of Grief and Bereavement

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. As human beings, we all have loved ones in our lives who mean the world to us and when our loved ones pass on, the grief and sense of loss that we feel are indescribable. It is an experience that we all have to go through at some point in our lives and individuals differ in how they grieve. Grieving is personal and unique to each person just as each person is unique in his/her own way. There is no set time-frame during which grieving would occur but the phases of grieving is universal. This has to happen for grieving is nature's way of allowing the healing process to begin.

“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”
Stephen Levine

Initially, upon the death of a loved one, one may or may not feel anything. In my personal experience, I was numbed by the shock of my spouse's sudden death. It was as if I could not feel anything and I remembered just going through the motions during the funeral. I cried a little but it was mostly because others were crying and not because of the grief within myself. I also cried when my then 4-year old son started crying for his father when the body was being removed from the house for the funeral.

It was only after the funeral when most family members have left that the profound impact of the loss really hit me. As I looked around and saw all his personal belongings, his clothes in the closet and the photos of our family, grief hit me like a ton of rocks and that was when I started to cry uncontrollably. The feeling is hard to describe and only one who has gone through it can understand - it is a mixture of unbearable pain, like a knife searing the very core of my being, the sense of hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, fear and despair. These feelings came and went and when present, caused physical discomfort such as stomach cramps, dizziness, palpitation and shortness of breath. They were welled so deep inside the core of my being and they played up individually and sometimes all at once.

After this initial feeling of intense pain, I went through a phase of self-blame and questions...why me? why now? would this have happened if I had done things differently? was I to blame for what happened...to which there were no answers. During these periods of self-blame, I kept telling myself that as a Muslim, I believe in destiny and that what had happened was destined to happen, no matter what I did. It did help a little but being human, the pain was still there.

As I suddenly became the sole breadwinner of the family, I focused my attention and energies on my job. This, in some way, was also a form of escape for when I was fully occupied, I had no time to dwell on the pain and loss. I was also fully occupied in sorting out matters relating to the administration of his estate. This was a painfully slow process as I had to sort through documents that were brought in from his office.

To a certain degree, I had surpressed my feelings for I had to appear normal at work. To allow proper healing, this should not have happened for it is only in allowing ourselves to grieve that we "release" pent up feelings of sadness within ourselves.

I started to withdraw into my own world and did not want to have anything to do with others outside the family socially. Also during this time, my son showed symptoms of anger and I was advised by the principal of his kindergarten to seek professional help for him. I sought the help of a child psychiatrist and was told that his anger was a manisfestation of the sense of loss that he was feeling as he was too young to verbalise his feelings. This caused me further pain as I was grappling with my own pain and I did not know how to handle his. I remember going through therapy with him and how I cried during therapy as the sense of loss and helplessness amplified. It suddenly hit me that this was going to take a long time since he was only four years old then.

I was fortunate to have my mum with me at that time...she moved in to live with me and she still does. Support, especially from family, and, to a certain extent, from friends is crucial. One should use this and should not be ashamed to ask for help because the sense of being overwhelmed can be suffocating.

As time passed, the pain lessened, albeit very slowly, but I still went through bouts of intense loneliness and pain, usually during the night - for this was the time when I did my crying. I tried not to show my hurt and pain to my son. I told myself that I had to be strong for my son for he depended on me and if I failed, I would fail him too and he has a whole life ahead of him. The immensity of this realization was sometimes frightening but I plodded along.

It took me about a year and a half before I would socialise again but there were still periods during which I wished that I did not have to carry the burden of bringing up a child all on my own. This would usually happen when there were conflicts in my schedule such as when I had to take my son to the clinic when there was an important meeting in the office. I also felt the sense of loss and emptiness when I attended his school sports and concerts for I would see most kids with both their parents while he only had me.

The recovery process is a long one for me. I can now talk about his passing without choking and the pain is gone but his memory lives on. In the death of a spouse, one tends to remember only the sweet memories and overlook those that were less pleasant.

The grieving period is different for each individual but the key is to accept the fact that one has to go through several phases in order for healing to start. Do not suppress your feelings, cry if you must and seek the support of family and friends, even if only as someone to talk to. Try not to be alone and if you belong to an organization or group, it is good to start re-connecting to broaden your network for you are going to begin a new phase in your life. Also, pursuing a hobby helps as you have less time to dwell on your loss. Slowly, you will find that the pain will heal but the memory lives on...remember, it is always the darkest hour before the dawn!

A Woman's Dignity

Watching Oprah Winfrey's interview with Whitney Houston today got me to thinking about a woman's dignity. For the first time, Ms Houston opened up to the world and revealed shocking details about her tumultous relationship with ex-husband Bobby Brown and subsequent drug addiction that destroyed what was once a brilliant career and brought her to the pits of despair.

Her final downfall started after her movie "Bodyguard" which sky-rocketed her to fame. She was adulated and in demand all over the world but Brown could not handle her fame. At home, she tried very hard to make their marriage work and had to take away some of that spotlight off herself to soothe Brown's bruised ego. Brown had numerous affairs and they constantly argued. Brown drank too much and when drunk, he became abusive verbally and emotionally. Although she claimed he was never physically abusive, he had actually slapped her and spat on her face in front of their daughter.

Houston was a woman who believed in her wedding vows and she did everything to please him but at the same time, it was eating her inside. She had fame, fortune and the world at her feet but she was unhappy which eventually led to drugs. She went into rehab but fell off the wagon again later. Finally, her mother took out a court order and brought a sheriff to her house. She demanded that Houston get herself into rehab and make a decision about her marriage. Houston went again into rehab and that was when she finally realised how much Brown had trampled on her dignity and she resolved to finally leave him.

One might ask, why would a famous and wealthy star like Houston put up with an abusive spouse? It would be understandable if she was a homemaker without any prospect of a job to support herself and her daughter. Why do women forgive abusive spouses time and again, only to have the cycle of violence repeated and at what point would a woman come to her senses and see that she should get out?

Other than for economic reasons, one of the factors that make women stay in abusive relationships is their childhood upbringing. Houston was brought up to believe marriage is for keeps and she tried her best to make the marriage work. Another (unexplainable) reason is the belief some woman hold that if she holds on, he would one day come to his senses and change. But an abusive spouse will never change like a leopard would never change its spots.

Men are also good at manipulating their spouses and after a cycle of violence, they beg for forgiveness and promise to change, only to repeat their abusive behaviour. And some women, for no other reason than love for the man, would give in.

Some women stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the children - they become the sacrificial lamb so that their children would have both parents under the same roof -in the belief that children need both parents, never mind that there is the possibility the husband may eventually kill the wife in front of their children.

Other forms of abuse to the dignity of women which many of us do not actually realise are violent pornography, exploitation of women as sex objects to sell products and beauty contests....all done in the name of profit.

Those of us who know of women in abusive marriages should do our best to persuade the woman to seek professional help. Granted, sometimes it may be almost impossible to intervene because of the husband's violence and in such a case, the responsible thing to do is to alert the authorities so that they can look into the matter. If the police cannot help because the woman is not willing to make a report, contact other bodies such WAO, the social welfare department or just any organization that can assist. It is not enough to say "I've made a report and if nothing is done, there's nothing more I can do". We should be socially responsible citizens and there IS something we can do.

It is ironic that one of Houston's chart topper is the song "The Greatest Love of All" and she finally lived up to the lyrics...."no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity..." after so much pain and degradation!

Relationships

(Relationship Mind Map by: Adam Sicinski)

I have often wondered what are the criterion for an ideal relationship between two people who profess to love each other. Is it the similarities that they share, the differences that make them individuals or something in between? It would indeed be boring if your partner likes exactly everything that you like. Likewise, if there are too many differences between them, it would indeed be tough to enjoy each other’s company. If the answer is “something in between”, how do you decide what’s that “something”?

I am one who values my independence to be able to enjoy the company of friends once in a while, instead of being with the same person (even if he is my partner) all the time. I find exclusivity suffocating. Being an Aquarian, I am a free-spirited individual and believe that if I am given the freedom to be myself, I would flourish but if I am reined in, I resent the person reining me and over time, that resentment would show through.

Likewise, I would give my partner free rein to enjoy the company of his friends once in a while, within limits. By the way, these limits apply both ways. In other words, it is freedom to enjoy the company of others but one that is based on trust. Trust is the central tenet to a successful relationship and once that trust is betrayed, I find it difficult to forgive, let alone forget. I feel so strongly about this that I am sure if betrayed, I would want out, without a second thought.

Now, back to that “something” in between. It is hard to define but I think to get the relationship on the right footing, both parties must discuss early in their relationship what their similarities and differences are. Where there are differences, both must be willing to adapt/adjust to the extent that the differences become more palatable to the other. However, the idea is not to adapt/adjust to the point that you become exactly what your partner wants you to be because then, you are no longer yourself.

Another important criteria for me is a partner who is willing to share household chores as I am not particularly domesticated. Sharing such chores will definitely help in bonding. If he is not willing to do so, then a live-in maid would help because a tired wife would not be an ideal partner for intimacy at night.

Communication is also key to a successful relationship because we cannot expect to be mind readers to “know” what the other party wants. It is important to communicate what you want and how you feel about any issue in a positive way, without attacking the other party. Contentious issues are best not discussed in the heat of the moment for it can lead to hurtful words that you don’t mean...difficult as it may be, give it some time and you will find that it is easier to get your point across when you are not angry.

Last but not least, intimacy is also important. My idea of an ideal relationship is one where both partners are not ashamed to verbalize and show their feelings for each other. It would be disappointing to show intimacy to someone who freezes up or behaves like a robot.

A certain degree of freedom based on mutual trust, sharing household chores, open communication, being able to discuss contentious issues in a rational manner and intimacy - are these the ingredients of a successful relationship? Not really, for there are other little things that, if they are missing, could result in BIG issues....aahh, the complexities of life!

The Modernization of Makkah

Makkah’s brand new clock tower, located atop the Royal Clock Tower Hotel, in the Abraj Al Bait Complex, was unveiled on the first day of Ramadhan this year. The clock, believed to be the world’s largest today, has surpassed other world famous clock towers like the Big Ben in London, the Palace of Culture and Science Tower in Warsaw, the Rajabai Tower in Mumbai and the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower in Milwaukee, USA. The unveiling of the clock signalled the start of Arab Standard Time (AST) which is three hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

When completed, the Makkah Royal Clock Tower will be 600 meters high, making it the second highest structure in the world, replacing the 101 Tower in Taiwan, which is 59 meters lower. The highest structure would be the Burj Khalifa Tower (828 meters) in Dubai.

The four faces of the clock are decorated with floral/fauna motives made from 90 million pieces of gold-colored mosaic. Another unique feature is that the clock face is lit by 2 million LED lights, and during the call for prayer, 21,000 of these lights, colored green and white, will light the tower and this light can be seen from a distance of 28 kilometers. The total cost of developing the Abraj Al Bait Complex is a staggering USD3 billion.

In a country awash with petro dollars where a majority of the wealth is owned by a minority of the population, dissenting voices are now heard about the wisdom of such extravagance and opulence in the Holy City. Some also fear that the modernization of Makkah detracts from the raison d’etre of pilgrims converging into Makkah – to worship in front of the House of Allah - the Kaabah. For most people, the sight of the gigantic structure dwarfing the Kaabah would be a distraction.

Artist's Impression of the lights during the call for prayer

Personally, I feel the Saudi Government should give priority to upgrading facilities that dot the landscape in the 475 km stretch between Makkah and Madinah, the two holy cities visited by pilgrims during the Haj. The rest stops and some mosques between these two cities, visited by millions of pilgrims year in and year out, are generally in less-than-desirable conditions. Since Islam is a religion that requires cleanliness in everything we do, something must be done quickly about these facilities.

I also hope that in modernizing Makkah, the Saudi authorities would strike the right balance between modernization and affordability so that the future cost of the pilgrimage may not escalate beyond the reach of the average Muslim. Even with current costs, there are people who sell everything they have just to make that once-in-a-lifetime trip - although Islam requires Muslims to perform the obligatory Haj only if they are physically and financially able.

Responsible Media

“The pen is mightier than the sword”, so the saying goes. After all, wasn’t it Karl Marx’s DAS KAPITAL that initially sowed the seeds of communism in people’s mind until it became a reality resulting in the oppression of millions all over the world? The media can shape people’s opinion, twist the truth or uncover lies, whichever it chooses. With the advent of online media, print media is finding it harder to retain readership and revenue. However, whilst print media needs to increase readership for profit, it also must play it’s social responsibility role and consider the impact of its news on the people.

Karl Marx

There is a worrying trend that today’s print media reports are geared towards sensational reporting to attract readership. A case in point is the reports on centenarian, Mek Wook, whose 23rd marriage to a man 6 decades younger had made national (and, perhaps, international) news. The media has painted her as a forlorn, desperate, centenarian trying to hold on to her marriage to a young husband.

Mek Wook and Hubby

When he went into rehab for substance abuse, there were frequent interviews in which she openly declared her love for him, how she missed him and other mushy stuff that would be close to the legendary love story of Romeo and Juliet. Then, when he was released, she mushed about how she would love to hear the patter of tiny feet and how she kept him by her side by giving massages in “sensitive” areas. Now that he has been re-arrested for drug abuse, she is portrayed again as the forlorn lady pining for her lover.

The poor lady probably enjoyed the attention that she suddenly received from these interviews but, alas, little did she realise that she was being made a laughing stock. I, for one, find these reports demeaning for her and all other women, including myself. I even wrote to one particular newspaper to share my views but the reports continue.

Personally, when my late husband was killed in a skydiving accident 21 years ago, I was also a victim of sensational reporting by a local Chinese media. He fell to his death at the former Bulatan Merdeka in front of Dewan Bahasa, next to the Merdeka Stadium. It was a Sunday afternoon and the reporter happened to be caught in a traffic jam at the very spot. He snapped bloody pictures of the deceased and came to my house to meet me. When I refused to meet him, he showed the bloody pictures to my family, including my 4-year old son, causing him to suffer nightmares for months and I had to seek psychiatric help for him.

The media should be more socially responsible and use it’s influence to help resolve social ills amongst the young, such as baby dumping, instead of resorting to tabloid-style reporting to capture readership.

Building Sandcastles In The Air....

Second Honeymoon Packages for couples in troubled marriages are being extended to all Malaysians. Modules to help couples include romantic walks along and beach and building sandcastles together

Four couples, whose marriages were on the brink, recently participated in a state-government sponsored trial program aimed at saving troubled marriages. Dubbed as the Second Honeymoon Package, the program was touted a “success” because the couples said they were “happy” again after the 3D/2N honeymoon on a resort island. The module includes intimate activities ranging from romantic walks along serene beaches to building sandcastles together. There were also marriage counsellors on hand to give tips on enhancing relationships.

Oh come on! Who are we kidding? Anyone would be happy if they had a 3D/2N break on a resort island courtesy of the government! If only life is that simple…you have been at each other’s throats for years (maybe even decades) and then you pack off for a 3D/2N getaway on a resort island minus the children and…Voila…all is well again!

I am surprised that the counsellors involved in the program did not advise the powers that be that like in every aspect of life, problems in a marriage can only be solved if we can identify them and then work on them. To claim success just because the couples were happy immediately after the getaway is just premature.

Couples in the West go through long therapy sessions with their counsellors to save a troubled marriage and even then, success cannot be guaranteed. Human relationships are complex... throw in financial woes, the children, work and in-laws…and you can see why marriages need hard work by both parties.

Back to the Second Honeymoon Package, it was announced that due to the “success” of the pilot program, it will now be extended to all Malaysians. The module will be similar and there will be a minimum charge imposed for out-of-state participants.

There are ramifications that must be considered. Possible abuse is one…a 3D/2N getaway on a resort island at minimum charge is too tempting that couples may even pretend to have marriage problems so that they can be included. Consideration must also be given to the socio-economic background of our lower income families who usually tend to have more children. A vacation, if you ever get one, is a luxury and the children are included. Even for middle class families, it is generally geared towards having the whole family together. It would not be good for the children, for example, if mum and dad whisked off to a resort island leaving them behind when they never had vacations before…the issues are endless.

This appears to be a hastily cooked-up program at the expense of taxpayers. The authorities have obviously not given much thought but one thing they are thinking of is a solution to tackle nagging wives. This is being considered for inclusion in the module because the state Religious Department recently claimed that nagging is one of the contributing factors in separation amongst elderly couples…bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla!!!

Oh, Father Joseph!

When Older Men Take Younger Brides

The local media was abuzz last week with reports that two local artistes, in their 50's, had taken younger brides - one was more than half the man's age!

Singer Shidee, 50, had married a lady aged 22. The marriage had tongues wagging because he initially had a romantic relationship with her mum, 45. However, during the course of their courtship, he fell for the daughter instead. Her children had known him as Papa and Uncle and she even claimed that she had helped him financially, with a promise of marriage in return (sounds familiar?). In a classic case of "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", she lodged a police report that her daughter had eloped with Shidee. Her daughter countered with a police report that she had married him willingly. Later, she (unwillingly) said that she accepted him as her son-in-law....but would only be ready to meet them if he can prove that he can provide for his wife (apparently, he does not have a permanent job and they are boarding with a friend).

Shidee and his bride

Mum-in-law/former love interest

Comedian/actor Imuda, who is 50+, made headlines in the local press many years ago when he was diagnosed with kidney failure. He had to plead for donations and many of his friends in the entertainment industry helped to pay the bills.

So, it was a shock to many readers to learn that he recently forked out RM22,222.22 in dowry to marry a lady aged 28. For someone who could not pay his medical bills, it must have been a hefty sum to raise for the hand of a maiden....and you cannot help but wonder where his priorities lie. If he should fall ill again in the future, would he be pleading for donations again?

One also wonders what these young ladies were looking for when they agreed to marry men old enough to be their fathers. Were they looking for that fifteen minutes of fame, no matter what the consequences are? Both said they fell for their men because they were kind-hearted, understanding and loving - that they did not look beyond economic factors, their spouse's health and what happens when that heady romance wanes off! As for the men, it was an attempt to shore up their ego... and a testimony of their virility to be able to have a wife young enough to be a daughter....a trophy wife! For a kidney patient, one wonders if he would he be able to handle a young wife?

We wish them well and let's hope we don't see them in the divorce court five years down the road!

Tiger By The Tail

This Country and Western song about Tiger's infidelity is just super!!!