Life's A Raging Sea

A lone ship in a raging sea
In search of a safe harbour
With hopes of finding a lee
To ride out the cruel weather

Battered by the pounding waves
Drifting, lost, and lonely
Fuelled by hopes and prayers
Faith in the Him, the Almighty

Emptiness beyond the horizon
With ne’er a ship in sight
Wondering if I could go on
Against this brutal might

A test of grit and determination
And strength I’ve never known
Journeying to an unknown destination
A journey I must make alone

A beacon of light appears
A beacon of hope and salvation
But alas, through eyes filled with tears
Tis only a fragment of my imagination

Dare I continue this journey?
Of a life that must go on
A life of pain and tragedy
Wondering what lies beyond

With newfound strength….a direction, at last
And a dauntless will to go on
For life’s too short to dwell on the past
The darkest hour is before the dawn

Gen Y Workplace

Gen Y (also known as the Millenial Generation, Generation Next, Net Generation, among others) refer to people born in the mid-80s and later; they are children of Baby Boomers.

They are the fastest growing segment of today’s workforce and many issues in the workplace arise because there is a gap between the values, beliefs and attitudes of employees (mostly Gen Y) and their management (typically Baby Boomers). Baby Boomers are those born post WWII up to about 1964.

Generation “Why” guru Eric Chester defines Gen Y as “youth who continually question the standards and expectations imposed by society.” (Check out Eric’s website at www.GenerationWhy.com.).

These young people know no limits. They define the workplace environment as they go along, and feel entitled to everything. They are highly creative, well educated and technologically advanced. The Internet is their playground, and that playground has no boundaries.

Gen Y tend to be tech-savvy, family-centric, achievement-oriented, team-oriented and attention-craving. They seek instant gratification are not afraid to voice their opinion and this is sometimes viewed by their Managers as an “entitlement” attitude.

The 20^th century family, especially in developed nations, tend to be small in number. Hence, Gen Y children tend to be nurtured and pampered by parents born as Baby Boomers.

In the workplace, the most evident impact is an employee population that are sometimes seen as “demanding”. Many openly state they want to be in positions of authority within 5 years of their employment. They are not willing to toil like their Baby Boomer counterparts to advance in their career.

The workplace must also be fun and must cater to their needs, not the other way around. If their expectations are not met, they would not hesitate to leave. Job hopping is common and is not considered a negative on their resume.

As companies try to accommodate the expectations of Gen Y'ers, employees are sometimes assigned to more senior positions without having enough depth. Some employees hold relatively senior positions with high salary but without the benefit of years dirtying their hands on the job.

As Gen Y employees tend to be “wired”, they look for flexible work schedules where they can work where they want. While some positions are able to accommodate this kind of work arrangement, employees need to understand that some jobs cannot be performed remotely – for example, a job requiring face-to-face interaction with customers.

Also, the challenge for management in implementing flexible work schedule is how to manage employee perceptions. Those employees whose requests for flexible work schedule are not granted sometimes feel their managers are biased in their decisions.

Another important aspect of a satisfying job for a Gen Y employee is work life balance. They expect, and rightfully so, their employers to recognise that they are not machines but humans with a life of their own.

Today, many companies have implemented work life balance policies that allow employees flexibility – for example, varied starting/ending times to accommodate personal situations at home.

One impact of a “wired” environment is that the line between work and personal life is often blurred as employees are always connected via cell phones, Internet, Blackberry, etc. Also, in a global world with varying time zones, some employees are expected to work according to other time zones and in such situations, they need to be given time off because of such schedules.

Gen Y’ers are confident, ambitious and achievement-oriented. They are not afraid to challenge status quo at the workplace. Some managers may view this as a threat to their authority. This should not be so – employees must be encouraged to be creative in performing their jobs as long as results are produced with the caveat that the methods must be ethical.

Feedback and guidance are important aspects of the job for Gen Y’ers. They expect to be kept in the loop, and seek frequent praise and reassurance.

Gen Y'ers are known for being in it for more than the paycheck. This means they need to understand how their contribution impacts the company and where it's going. Keeping Gen Y employees engaged with the company direction can be as important as compensation at times.

Communication styles too must be different when dealing with Gen Y’ers. Never talk down to them for they resent it. Use humour occasionally to reassure them.

Gen Y’ers can benefit from mentors to guide them early in their careers.

EUREKA! THE MAGIC FORMULA TO KEEP YOUR MAN FROM STRAYING!

To understand the context of this posting, please read the link below before you proceed:

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/malaysia/article/keep-husbands-sexually-satisfied-to-cu/

So, someone finally found the magic formula to solve the age-old problem of philandering husbands - be obedient, be a whore in bed and all will be well. You don't even need love, understanding, respect and companionship. And you won't even have any arguments about money, raising children and in-laws (oooops...I forgot, you're supposed to be obedient so there shouldn't be any arguments, right?). When he strays, BLAME YOURSELF...dammit....you did not please him enough!

Excuse me, Dr Rohaya...which university did you graduate from?? Have you heard of statistics-based research?? Don't we have enough issues to tarnish Malaysia's image on the international platform? We take two steps forward and you set it back two thousand steps. Go live in some cave and give your man all the sex he wants and may you live happily ever after!

In future, please don't open your mouth unless you have something intelligent to say, befitting your status as a Doctor. Students considering a medical degree may even think twice now for fear that somewhere along the way, their brains may get fried too!

My Bucket List...

http://adrenaline-junkie-nd.blogspot.com/2008/10/lessons-from-bucket-list_30.html

1. Attend Quran reading classes and complete program;
2. Umrah which includes visit to Masjid Al-Aqsa (Jerusalem);
3. Another Haj when the upgrading of Makkah is completed (2014?);
4. Visit Machu Picchu, Columbia;
5. Re-visit Zermatt, Switzerland (one of the places I fell in love with when my late husband and I backpacked across Europe on our honeymoon some 3 decades ago);
6. Write a book;
7. Volunteer time in social issues involving women;
8. Obtain professional qualification in counselling and/or psychology.

Kita hanya merancang....Allah menentukan (we only plan....Allah decides)....Insya'allah!

Tears for the Orphans Who Perished....

It was a gut-wrenching scene - when seven orphans who perished in the recent landslide at Hulu Langat were buried en-masse in one grave. Young lives full of potential taken away...teenagers who have yet to realise their dreams in life.

In the wake of the tragedy, news reports surfaced that the parents of some of these "orphans" who perished were estranged. In one case, the tragedy brought the couple together again - vowing to try to make their marriage work. In another case, a single mother found out through the tragedy that her son was given away to the orphanage after their divorce. The husband was granted custody and he gave his son to his sister to be cared for. The sister, in turn, gave the boy away to the orphanage.

While the focus now is on assistance and counselling for whose who survived, one aspect of this tragedy has been overlooked. There are obviously weaknesses in the administration of Syariah laws with regards to a father's responsibility towards his children after a divorce. No one has asked how divorced couples could so easily give away their children to orphanages to be cared for after their divorce. Why are fathers not held accountable for their children's well-being after a divorce? If a single mother is financially unable to care for her children after divorce, why is she burdened with the problem while the father gets away?

The questions above are also linked to my last post on what goes inside the mind of a Muslim polygamist (http://adrenaline-junkie-nd.blogspot.com/2011/05/inside-mind-of-muslim-polygamist.html). Obviously, when a man makes that decision to take a second, third or fourth wife, issues regarding his responsibility towards his children in the event of a divorce are furthest from his mind. Muslim men will always use the argument that Islam allows a man to have four wives - but they conveniently forget that children are Allah's gifts and it is their responsibility to provide for them when they are divorced. And the weaknesses in the administration of syariah laws allow them to get away!

May Allah bless the souls of the youngsters who perished so needlessly....Al-Fatihah!

Inside the Mind of the Muslim Polygamist

Salih (50) with fourth wife-to-be (24)

With his three wives and 8 of his 11 children

My rambling on this subject is triggered by news report in a Malay Daily today that comedienne/DJ/singer Salih Yaacob (pictured above) intends to marry a fourth wife who is more than half his age. He is 50 and she is 24; still a student. This is the same personality who, many months ago, was featured in the same daily talking about how he can provide his three wives with luxury cars and that they are all on good terms with one another. If the wives are happy with one another, why take on another wife? He said "Islam allows a man to have four wives"....PERIOD. That's the typical Muslim polygamist logic...they only stop at the number of wives allowed but does not elaborate that one must be fair in all aspects. It does not matter that one of his children (from Wife No. 3) is confirmed to be suffering from Leukemia - he is going ahead with his marriage.

I have often wondered what drives a Muslim man to take on a second wife. Is it because his current wife is no longer the slim, youthful, lady whom he fell in love with? If so, does he not feel responsible for getting her into her present shape (or lack of it) after having borne him several children? Or, is it because they can no longer stand each other and are merely staying on in the marriage for appearances sake? What about meddling in-laws....sometimes they can also break up a marriage. The reasons are endless and some can even be trivial - like she does not cook fish head curry like his mother does (in this case, he needs to live with his mom, not get married!). Whatever it is, only the man himself knows what the compelling reason is.

Having made the decision to take a second wife, does he then think about how he will financially manage two households? I am trying to put myself in a man's shoes here. I'd be horrified when I do the maths and find that I would not be able to manage on my current earnings. What about the children's education? Obviously, Candidate No. 2 would be a younger lady and children will be on the list of her "wants". Does he calculate how much it would take to see a child through university? Or, maybe he thinks that since Candidate No. 2 is working, she will then be self-supporting? In this case, I wonder what is the point of being married if you have to support yourself financially? Would he rent or buy property to house his second wife? Would he have to buy her a car, like he does for his first wife? Remember, one of the pre-requisites of taking on a second wife is that the husband must be fair in all aspects - materially, emotionally and sexually.

Assuming one has the financial means, being fair materially is do-able. What about emotional and sexual fairness? As a human being, when two persons share a husband, there is bound to be emotional inequity; how would you feel to know that your husband cannot be with you on your birthday because it's Wife No. 2's turn to have him? By the way, this particular incident happened to a friend of mine. What would you tell your sick child who asks for Papa? Do you tell the child that Papa cannot be present because he has other children whom he needs to spend time with?

I would not even dwell on the sexual aspect. I am sure readers are mature enough to understand that even with one wife, some men have problems, let alone more than one!

What does Islam say about polygamy? The Qur’an allows limited polygamy. It states “marry only one”. The context of this statement is from the following verse in the Qur’an:

“…..then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…”

(An Nisa’ = The Women; 4:3)

In the same verse, it is stated:

"And you will never be able to do perfect justice between wives….”

(An Nisa' = The Women: 4:129)

Polygamy, therefore, is the exception rather than the rule. Many mistakenly believe that an Islamic man must have more than one wife. Many too, conveniently use the fact that Islam allows more than one wife as the reason for taking on wives No. 2, 3 and 4 without any regard or planning on how to pay for the upkeep of multiple households.

Ya Allah! Terima Kasih Kerana Menyelamatkan Hamba-Mu Ini!

The badly-damaged front

The white mark across the bonnet is where the car had hit the concrete divider on my right. The car then sort of tilted on its right side as I felt my head was going downwards and my right shoulders hit something (must be the door). Then it straightened up, spun five times and ended up on the railings on my left

The windscreen caved in

Damaged rim/tyre

The railings stopped the car from landing on the next lane (for traffic coming from Wangsa Maju)

I came home from Makkah with a bad cough and cold and took medication which made me drowsy. I made the foolish decision to drive after taking medication and paid for it dearly.

While driving on the Duke Highway from Damansara towards Hulu Kelang yesterday evening in a light drizzle, I must have fallen asleep for a split second at the wheel. Suddenly, I felt the car hit something and started to go out of control. I felt like my head was going down and after what seemed like an eternity of being thrown around, the car came to a crashing halt on the railing that separates the road from the lane on my left.

I was driving at around 80 kph due to the drizzle (the speed limit is 90); but even at that speed, the impact caused extensive damage to the car. After hitting the divider, the car sort of tilted on its side and that was when I felt my head going down and my shoulders hit the door. Then the car straightened again and spun around a few times before landing on the opposite railings on my left. According to the highway official, his CCTV showed that the car spun around 5 times before landing on the railings.

Thankfully, the car did not land on its side. The passenger door was not jammed and I could get out and miraculously, I was unscathed expect for a slight pain on my shoulders and being badly shaken. Highway officials and some passers-by came to my rescue. They helped me away from the vehicle as petrol had leaked out and they also helped to gather my belongings that were strewn all over. They were kind enough to return my wallet and a pair of diamond ear-rings (that I had placed in my handbag, which was unzipped when the incident happened).

One of the passers-by insisted that he take me to a hospital for checkup but I wanted to make sure the car is towed away by a company which is approved by AAM. I called AAM for a tow truck which came in about half an hour and the representative from the workshop explained to me what needed to be done. In the meantime, I called Nash to come and take me home. Nash also suggested I see a doctor but since I felt fine, all I wanted to do was get home. After resting at home for about an hour, the workshop representative took me to Jalan Bandar Police Station to make a police report for insurance claim purposes. The repair is estimated to take about a month.

The moral of the story….DO NOT DRIVE IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION. Please heed the warning labels on medicines about driving when under medication. I thought I felt fine to drive but I was overcome by drowsiness while I was on the highway. Since I was on a highway, there was no place to stop. ALWAYS HAVE YOUR SEAT BELTS SECURED, EVEN IF YOU ARE A PASSENGER IN THE BACK SEAT….it saved me from being thrown out of the car.

I thank Allah the Almighty for protecting me and that I came out unscathed except for being badly shaken by the experience. I am also thankful that no other cars or motorcyclists were involved in the accident.

This morning, I performed special prayers as a gesture of appreciation for being saved (Solat Sunat Syukur) and I also prayed for avoidance of any further misfortunes (Solat Sunat Tolak Bala). Next Thursday night, I plan to have thanksgiving prayers (doa selamat) at a mosque. The prayers will be conducted on my behalf by the Imam of the mosque...Insyaallah!

The Holy Land - Revisited

"(Fa'idzaa 'azamta fatawakkal 'alal-laah; innal-laaha yuhibbul-mutawakkileen)"

...Then, when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)."

"....kemudian apabila engkau telah berazam (sesudah bermesyuarat, untuk membuat sesuatu) maka bertawakallah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah Mengasihi orang-orang yang bertawakal kepadaNya."

Surah Al-Imran (3:159)

This was my third trip to the Holy Land in the last two years. I performed my first Umrah in April 2009, followed by the Haj in November/December 2009. Considerable changes have taken place in the Holy City of Makkah since my last trip in late 2009. Older buildings have been demolished to make way for ultra-modern hotels and construction activities go on around the clock.

However, one thing has definitely not changed - the feeling of peace and tranquility that one experiences when praying in the two grand mosques, i.e. Masjid Al-Nabawi (the Prophet's Mosque) in Madinah and Masjid Al-Haram in Makkah.

For my first Umrah, I was filled with trepidation as I did not know what to expect. Although I completed the rituals as prescribed, there was this doubt as to whether or not I did everything right. My Haj was done 6 months after a life-threatening surgery and I was very concerned about protecting my just-operated abdomen in a crowd of millions of people. For this Umrah, I was focused and it helped that I had a room to myself so I could stay in the mosque for as long as I liked without having to worry about another person's schedule.

"As long as you stay in a mosque waiting for prayer (congregation), and are held up there only for the sake of prayer, and only this thing prevents you from returning home, you will be treated as continuously in prayer."

(Muslim)

I spent long hours in Masjid Al-Haram praying, reading the Quran and reflecting on my life and what is expected of us in this world. We are all on a journey towards a common destination and how and when we reach that destination is pre-destined. For some of us, the journey towards our final destination is relatively comfortable. For others, it is more difficult. For me, the journey has been a painful one - both emotionally and physically. As a Muslim, I believe that whatever has befallen me is atonement for my sins, as prescribed in the Surah below.

(Wa maa 'asaabakum mim-museebatin fabimaa kasabat 'aydeekum wa ya'foo 'an kasheer)

"And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And he pardons much".

"Dan apa jua yang menimpa kamu dari sesuatu kesusahan (atau bala bencana), maka ia adalah disebabkan apa yang kamu lakukan (dari perbuatan-perbuatan yang salah dan berdosa); dan (dalam pada itu) Allah memaafkan sebahagian besar dari dosa-dosa kamu."

Surah Asy-Syura (42:30)

It is Allah's test of our faith and it is his way of cleansing us of our sins. It is preferable to have a difficult journey in this world where we can pray for redemption for Allah is all forgiving; than to have an eternally difficult journey in the Hereafter where one can no longer pray for forgiveness.

At the same time, Islam expects us to balance the present world with the hereafter; one cannot forsake this world for the Hereafter or vice-versa. It is our duty to strive to work for a living and do good in this world while at the same time preparing ourselves for the Hereafter.

(Rabbanaaa 'aatinaa fid-dunya hasanatan wa fil-Aakhirati hasanatan wa qinaa adzaban naar)

“Wahai Tuhan kami, berilah kami kebaikan di dunia dan kebaikan di akhirat, dan peliharalah kami dari azab neraka”.

“Our Lord, give us in this world that which is good and in the Hereafter that which is good and protect us from the torment of the Fire.”

Surah Al-Baqarah (2:201)

I performed three (3) Umrahs for myself and paid for someone to perform one Umrah each for my late father and husband - may Allah bless their souls!

"Semoga ibadahku diterima oleh Allah!" (May my acts of devotion be accepted by Allah!).

“O Allah, forgive me my sins, my ignorance and my excesses, and that which You know more than I. O Allah, forgive me for that committed by me in jest or seriousness, in error or deliberation, and all of that is with (in) me. O Allah, forgive me my past and present (sins) and that committed secretly and openly and that which You know more than I. You are the Advancer, the Postponer and You have the ability over all things.”

(Bukhari and Muslim)

Now...FB Is Blamed for Rising Divorce Cases!

First, women were blamed for being dangerous drivers who cause accidents, then women were blamed for being such distractions at traffic lights that when an aroused husband goes home and is ignored by his wife...he goes out and have affairs...and now....a Senator has blamed FB for rising divorce cases. He said a man could get attracted to someone he met on FB even after he already had a wife. "When he logs on to FB, he sees a woman he likes and she is pretty. The Government needs to look into this problem," he added. (????)

In response, a female Deputy Minister rebutted his claim and she said that according to research by JAKIM (Islamic Development Department), divorce cases were caused by irreconciliable differences, irresponsible spouses, polygamy and drug abuse. In 2009, 135,136 muslim marriages were registered while 27,116 cases involving divorce proceedings were filed!

I wonder what else women will be blamed for.....causing earthquakes and tsunamis??? If our men are too weak-kneed that they cannot resist pretty faces....is that the Government's problem????? There are many other pressing issues requiring the Government's attention and we expect our elected representatives to be astute enough to know what these issues are.....

Why Is Pork Prohibited in Islam?

Translation of extract from “20 Frequently Asked Questions on Islam” by Dr. Zakir Abdul-Karim Naik. Dr. Zakir is a medical doctor who gave up his medical profesion in order to become involved full-time in religious activities. He aims to explain the basis of Islam and expunge misconceptions of Islam using logic and science. He was the founder and president of the Islamic Research Foundation (IRF) Mumbai, India.

It is generally well-known that pork is prohibited in Islam. The following facts explain various aspects of this prohibition:

1. The Al-Qur'an prohibits eating of pork.

The Al-Qur'an prohibits eating of pork in not less than four different verses. The prohibition can be found in Verses 2:173, 5:3, 6:145 and 16:115.

"Forbidden to you (for food) are: Al-Maytah (the dead animals - cattle - beast not slaughtered), blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which Allah's Name has not been mentioned while slaughtering.....".

The above Verse is sufficient to convince Muslims regarding prohibition of pork.

2. Pork is also prohibited in the Bible.

All Christians believe in their holy book. The Bible prohibits consumption of pork in the Book of Leviticus:

".....and the swine, though it divides the hoof, having cloven hooves, yet does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. Their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch."

(Leviticus 11:7-8)

Pork is also prohibited in the Bible according to the Book of Deuteronomy:

"......and the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcass."

(Deuteronomy 14:8)

Similar prohibition is also repeated in the Bible, in the Book of Isiah, Chapter 65, Verse 1-5.7.

3. Consumption of pork contributes to many diseases.

Non-Muslims and Atheists will only agree with the above if they can be convinced through reasoning, logic and science. Consumption of pork can cause not less than seventy types of various diseases. One can catch various helminthiasis such as round worm, pinworm, threadworm and others. Among the most dangerous is Taenia Solium, or, in general terminology, tapeworm. It resides in the intestine and is very long. Its ovum, or eggs, enter the bloodstream and is able to reach all organs of the body. If it enters the brain, it can cause amnesia. If it enters the heart, it will cause heart seizure. If it enters the eyes, it can cause blindness and if it enters the liver, it causes liver damage. It can damage almost all organs in the body.

Another form of helminthiasis is Trichura Trichuriasis (affecting primarily the tissues of the cecum, appendix, colon and rectum). The most common misconception regarding pork is that cooking pork properly can kill the ovum. In a research project conducted in the United States, it was found that out of twenty-four persons who suffered from Trichura Trichusiasis, twenty-two of them had cooked pork properly, prior to eating. This showed that cooking pork at normal cooking temperature does not kill the ovum.

4. Pigs have fat building materials in them.

Pork has very little muscle-building materials but is high in fat content. This fat is stored in the arteries and can cause hypertension (high blood pressure) and heart attacks. It is not surprising that more than 50% of Americans suffer from hypertension.

5. Pigs are the dirtiest animals on earth.

Pigs live and breed on litter, waste and filth. In rural India, there are no modern toilets and villagers excrete in open areas. Usually, the faeces are eaten by pigs.

Some may argue that in modern countries like Australia, pigs are reared in clean places. Although the place is clean, pigs are reared in large numbers in sties. No matter how hard you try to keep the place clean, by nature pigs are dirty animals. They eat and enjoy their own and each other's faeces in their pens.

Polygamy - Why does Islam allow men to have more than one wife?

Translation of extract from “20 Frequently Asked Questions on Islam” by Dr. Zakir Abdul-Karim Naik. Dr. Zakir is a medical doctor who gave up his medical profesion in order to become involved full-time in religious activities. He aims to explain the basis of Islam and expunge misconceptions of Islam using logic and science. He was the founder and president of the Islamic Research Foundation (IRF) Mumbai, India.

1. Definition of Polygamy

Polygamy is a marriage system where one is allowed to have more than one spouse. There are two types of polygamy. Firstly, polygamy, where a man has more than one wife and the other other is polyandry - where a woman has more than one husband. In Islam, limited polygamy is allowed; while polyandry is prohibited.

Back to the original question; why are men allowed to have more than one wife?

2. The Qur'an is the only holy book in the world that states "marry only one". No other holy book on this earth dictates that a man marries only one spouse. This is not mentioned in other holy books such as Vedas, Ramyanan, Mahabharat, Geetha, Talmud or the Bible. The limit on only one wife cannot be found in these other holy books. According to these holy books, one is allowed to marry as many as one desires. It was only later that Hindu scholars and the Christian Church imposed a limit of only one wife.

Polygamy is allowed in Judaism. According to the Talmud, Abraham had three wives while Solomon had hundreds of wives. The practice of polygamy continued until Rabbi Gersom ben Yehudah (960-1030) issued an edict that prohibited polygamy. The Sephardic Jewish community who lived in Islamic countries continued the practice of polygamy until as late as 1950 when an Act was enacted by the Israeli Chief Rabbi Court, banning its followers to have more than one wife.

3. Polygamy is practised by more followers of Hinduism compared to followers of Islam.

A report by the Committee on the Status of Women in Islam issued in 1975 mentioned on Pages 66 and 67 that between 1951 and 1961, the percentage of polygamous marriages was 5.06% among followers of Hinduism and only 4.31% amongst followers of Islam. According to Indian laws, only Islamic men are allowed to have more than one wife. Although it is prohibited, followers of Hinduism have more wives than followers of Islam. Previously, there was no limit on the number of wives even for Hindu men. It was only in 1954 that the Hindu Marriages Act was passed, prohibiting Hindu men from having more than one wife. Now, it is the laws of India and not the Hindu holy books that prohibit Hindu men from having more than one wife.

Let us analyse why Islam allows men to have more than one wife.

4. Al-Qur'an allows limited polygamy.

As mentioned previously, the Al-Qur’an is the only holy book on this earth that states “marry only one”. The context of this statement is from the following verse in the Qur’an:

"...then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one..."

(An Nisa' = The Women; 4:3)

Before the Qu’ran was revealed, there was no limit on polygamy and many men had multiple wives; some even had hundreds of wives. Islam has a limit of up to four wives. Islam allows men to marry two, three or four wives ON CONDITION they are fair to all wives.

In the same verse (An Nisa' 4:129), it is stated:

"And you will never be able to do perfect justice between wives...."

Polygamy, therefore, is the exception rather than the rule. Many mistakenly believe that an Islamic man must have more than one wife.

In general, there are five things that are allowed/not allowed in Islam:

i. “Fardu” which is mandatory or required;

ii. “Mustahab” which is recommended or encouraged;

iii. “Mubah” which is allowed or permitted;

iv. “Makruh” which is not recommended or encouraged;

v. “Haram” which is prohibited.

Polygamy falls into the third category of things which are allowed. It cannot be assumed that men with two, three or four wives are truer believers than those with only one wife.

5. On average, women have longer lifespan than men.

Men and women are born with approximately the same ratio. A female child has higher immunity compared to a male child. For this reason, from the paediatric ages, there are more deaths amongst males than females.

In wars, more men than women perish. More men than women die of accidents and diseases. The average lifespan of women is higher than that of men and at any one time, there are more widows than there are widowers.

6. India has a high population of males due to infanticide of female fetuses. India is one of several nations, together with other neighboring nations, where the female population is lower than that of males. This is due to the high rate of infanticide involving female babies in India and the fact that more than one million fetuses are aborted each year in that country when the sex of the fetuses are identified. If this heinous practice is topped, India too will have more females than males.

7. The female population in the world exceeds that of males.

In America, women outnumber men by 7.8 million. New York alone has 1 million more women than men and amongst the male population in New York, a third of them are homosexuals. Overall, more than 25 million of the American population are gays and lesbians. This group of population has no interest to marry women. The population of women in Great Britain exceed that of men by 4 million. German women outnumber their men by 5 million. In Russia, the number of women is 9 million more than men. Only God knows how many women there are in the world compared to men.

8. To limit each and every man to only one wife is not practical.

If every man is allowed to have only one wife, there are still 30 million women in America who cannot get married (based on the fact that there are 20 million gays and lesbians in America). In Britain, there will be more than 4 million women, 5 million in Germany and 9 million women in Russia will not be able to find husbands.

Let's assume that my sister is one of the women who is not married in America. There are only two choices left for her; either marry someone else's husband or become "public property". Those with dignity will surely choose the former.

In Western society, it is common for men to have mistresses and/or extramarital affairs where the women live a scandalous existence and are not protected. The same society, however, cannot accept a situation where a man has more than one wife, where the woman can defend her honor and dignity in society by living a protected existence.

As such there are two choices for women who are unable to find husbands; marry someone else's husband or become public property. Islam stresses that women be placed in a respectable position by allowing the first option and prohibiting the second.

There are many other reasons why Islam allows limited polygamy, but the main objective is to protect the dignity of women.

The Musical Genes In Me

Friends have often asked where the musical genes came from in my family. Well, to start with, mum‘s family has roots in the town of Kota Rajo in the Rao (or Rawo) region of Sumatra, and hers was a musically-inclined family.

It is a well-known fact that people from Rao (known locally as "orang Rawo") are musically-inclined. Some well-known personalities include actress/singer Azean Irdawaty, former Radio Malaysia announcer, Nor Azah Aziz and Mazuin Hamzah, who was once a member of the band Quinary M. In my family, they include my mum, son (Nash), youngest sister (Nor Azian), aunt (Zainah Zain) and my nephew (Ismail Hj Yusof). Among my friends, one example is the late Sirajuddin Mahmud, who was married to my friend Zawiyah Hashim. Siraj and Nor Azah Aziz were cousins.

As historical background, settlers from Rao migrated to the then Malay Peninsula from as early as the 18th century. They settled mostly in Perak (Gopeng, Tapah, Tanjung Malim) and also in Penang and Pahang. Some noted Rao personalities in Malaysia today include Datuk Seri Rafidah Aziz, Tan Sri Ahmad Sarji and the late Haji Yusuf Rawa (the first President of PAS).

Rao region of Sumatra

As a teenager growing up in Selama, Perak, mum played the accordion and also the piano; picking up the skills merely by listening. Her late aunt (Wo Tupin; wo = aunt) had piano lessons at home. It was a ploy by her then philandering husband to get her distracted so that he could carry out his dalliances. He was a playboy of sorts. His name was Alwee Bin Hussain and we called him Atwok Luwi (Atwok = grandpa or, sometimes, grandma). After his family suffered a downturn in fortune, they moved from Sumatra to Penang where they set up business selling the quran and other religious materials at Acheen Street.

Atwok Luwi went to Penang Free School with the late Tunku Abdul Rahman who moved on to study at Cambridge on a scholarship. Tunku would later become the first Malayan Prime Minister when Malaya gain independence from Great Britain in 1957. Atwok Luwi lived a colourful life and he was one of the first Malays in Penang to own a red sports car! In his heydays, Atwok Luwi was a dapper gentleman, with his hair parted in the middle in the style of King George V. Atwok Luwi went on to marry a lady whom we called Tok Jah and in his old age, Atwok Luwi retired and died in Kuala Ketil, Kedah.

King George V

A grand-uncle of mine, Mokhtar, known to mum as Mamak Muntak (mamak = uncle), played the clarinet, trumpet, saxophone and violin. I remember the good old days when I would watch him wide eyed tuning up his musical instruments in the light provided by a kerosene lamp. Mamak Muntak was a spoilt child and he never married; earning his living playing in travelling fun fairs and even at Chinese funeral processions!

So, I guess it is not surprising that Nash and I inherited the musical genes. My youngest sister has a lovely singing voice too but my eldest sister has a poor sense of music!

My favourite joke - “I come from a family of singers, even my sewing machine is a SINGER”!

Religious (In)Tolerance: A Baby-boomer's View

As a baby-boomer, I started primary school at a Convent school in Ipoh in the late ‘50s (1959, to be exact). In those days, a Convent-education was sought after because the Nuns who run the schools were strict - we were subjected to strict discipline and in our school work, we were expected to cross every “t” and dot every “i”. My eldest sister was also convent-educated. So were my two aunts, their children and their grandchildren.

To encourage us to speak good English, anyone who spoke in their mother-tongue in class would be fined one sen (RM0.01) per incident. This sometimes happened when students interacted socially in class and sometimes, the Nuns/teachers heard those side conversations. Considering that for some of us lunch money back then was 10 sen (RM0.10) per day, to be fined one sen was frightening; especially since students may have repeat incidents. The money collected would be used to buy books for the school library and our subjects during the week included time in the Library where teachers read to us (I remember my favourite book was titled “Jack and Jill”).

I remember one day when I returned from school, after lunch, my late father asked me (in front of my mother) what I had learnt at school that day. Being an impressionable seven-year old, I proudly recited the Catholic prayers that were being recited every morning during assembly. Muslim students were exempted from reciting these prayers but at that age, our brains absorbed knowledge very quickly. So, I stood at attention and proudly recited the following prayers (including emulating the cross on my forehead, chest, right shoulder and left shoulder):

"Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name;
Thy kingdom come;
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen".

"Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

My mum almost hit the roof because in her mind, it confirmed her suspicion that the Nuns were trying to convert me to Christianity and she blamed my father for insisting that I was enrolled in a Convent school. My father then quietly explained to me that the prayers I just recited were for Christians but being Muslims, our prayers were different, although I knew it then because I had learnt to read the Quran by then and we were also taught the basics of prayers.

Fast forward 52 years…..today, I am still a grounded Muslim and I am trying to improve my understanding and appreciation of the religion that I was raised to believe in. To this day, I am still able to recite the Catholic prayers above but that does not make me a Christian or any less a Muslim.

In a multi-racial society such as Malaysia, we should be more tolerant and not look at others' religion through our individual lenses that are colour-tinted by our religious beliefs.

The Story of Sam and Esther

Featured in this blog is a video from the San Damiano Foundation, a Christian Charity organization that uses the power of heart-rending videos to tell the stories of the plight of orphans in a remote village in Uganda.

In this video, Jane, a shrivelled 8-year old orphan is shown caring for her two siblings, Sam and Esther. Sam and Esther are severely malnourished and when the San Damiano crew arrived at the little hamlet, they found Sam and Esther lying naked and dirty in the dirt…unattended.

As the crew wondered who these two skeletal children belong to, Jane, a wizened 8-year old, appeared from the bushes, carrying some water. Jane was “big sister” to Sam and Esther and she had left them for a while to fetch water to bathe her dirt-ridden siblings.

One has to have a heart of stone not to be moved by Jane’s story. Her story is one of sacrifice of a child for her two siblings. Jane was forced into the role of care-giver for Sam and Esther and she could not give them food but she gave them the only thing she had left…love.

The San Damiano crew, one of whom unashamedly burst into tears watching this haunting scene of despair and deprivation, gave Jane some biscuits from their supply of food. Without hesitation, Jane gave a biscuit each to Sam and Esther before enjoying one herself. Even though she was hungry, she knew she had to feed Sam and Esther before attending to her needs.

The message in this heart-tugging video is very powerful indeed. It speaks of the ultimate sacrifice of an 8-year old for her orphaned siblings…it speaks of compassion that some of us no longer have in our hearts as we engage in the exclusive pursuit of material things…and it speaks of a religious-based Charity organization doing what it could to make a difference. There are so many ways to make a difference; yet some of our religious organisations chose to spend time to engage in a lengthy discourse on why Poco-Poco should be banned as HARAM rather than do whatever it can to make this world a better place!

To quote from the San Damiano website:

“The vision for San Damiano films is twofold: to raise funds for Christian charities aiding the world’s poor and to awaken the hearts and minds to the plight of the poor, hopefully inspiring viewers to serve those in need through acts of compassion and mercy. Please remember that “every act of mercy and kindness brings us closer to the reality of God”.

(This video first appeared in a posting of a FB friend, Mior Rosli…thank you for helping us to open our eyes)

“There is none so blind as he who will not see….” (Anon)

On Honorifics

Malaysia is a country where Honorifics (titles such as Tan Sri, Datuk Seri, Datuk, etc.) have become a fixation. I am always nervous when meeting “titled” people because I cannot keep up with who has what title. Many former colleagues of mine have moved on and are now “Datuks” and I don’t want to offend “Datuk Ahmad” by greeting him with a “how are you, Mat?”

If that is not bad enough, we also have to deal with some wives (not all) who are very particular that they are addressed correctly too, even when socialising with friends.

I remember an incident when I attended an engagement ceremony with my mum. The person who invited us was a relative with a title…..so, many ladies amongst the guests had titles too. As in any Malay engagement ceremony, we were seated on the carpet and my mum was getting restless as the ceremony had not started. A group of well-dressed ladies were heard chatting about their family. Each of the ladies had a title as they addressed each other as either Puan Sri or Datin. My mum then whispered to me…”these ladies appear to be good friends but they are addressing each other by title...why can't they address each other by name?”

A friend once told me she was in an elevator in an upscale hotel and a smartly-dressed lady walked in. My friend, being the ever friendly person that she is, thought the lady looked like she was a Datin and greeted her with a “Good morning, Datin”…to which the latter scowled at her and announced “I’m a Puan Sri”! Ooooops!

In yet another situation, a Datuk had three wives and all use the title Datin. Wife No. 2 was divorced but she continued to use the title. One day, a friend of mine, who happened to know both Wife No. 1 and No. 2, received a call from No. 1 advising her not to address No. 2 as Datin as she was no longer married to the Datuk. My friend then decided that she would stop addressing Wife No. 1 and No. 2 by title but explained herself before doing so. Her reason? As an outsider it was impossible for her to know who's been divorced so to be safe and since they went back a long way, she would prefer to address them by name.

Go to any golf club and you will find a large number of the ladies have titles. In one particular club, the Indonesian lady manning the half-way hut addressed all lady golfers (including yours truly) as “Tin” (short for Datin). I told her that I was not one and that she should be careful when addressing all ladies as Datins because a Puan Sri might be offended if she is being addressed as Datin. Looking worried, she said she could not tell who is a Puan Sri….poor lady, she was obviously terrified that a Puan Sri might take offence and report her to the management!

Malaysian Women Speak Out

Malaysian women have become Ministers, achieved senior positions in the Military, broken the glass ceiling, overtaken the men in academic achievements, and raised decent children without the presence of fathers who were not there as they had other families – yet they are constantly subjected to disparaging remarks by none other than the powers that be in the august House of Parliament….and we do not have a right to feel outraged????? We want to be treated with dignity and respect and here’s your opportunity to be heard. Ladies, please pass this message on – it’s time we stand up for ourselves for no one else will do it for us!

IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO WE

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I am a widow who single-handedly raised a son who lost his ayah at age 4 (he's now 26). I am apolitical, I am not beholden to special interest, I have no business interest, I pay my taxes and yet, I am not treated with the respect and dignity that I deserve by the powers that be. Women have become the butt of jokes by our leaders and the majority of us are too afraid to say anything publicly.

I have volunteered to become the voice of the silent majority because I personally feel we deserve better. For all our contributions, we women cannot, for the life of us, understand this cruel fixation on us in the corridors of power and we are clueless as to why this has been allowed to go on for so long. Given this cavalier attitude towards women, why are our leaders surprised when we see violence against our mothers, daughters, sisters, etc? We search for answers that are in front of our eyes. Women are ridiculed yet they are depended upon for the success of PERMATA.

To the men reading this, please remember "women" include wives, mothers, sisters, daughters!

Now Every Mak Cik, Ah Soh and Aci Can Fly

Our back-and-forth decision on the use of the English language have put us in a position where, if we want to be a global player, we seriously need to do something about it...SOON!

On a recent trip to Ho Chih Minh City proudly flying on our made-in-Malaysia low-cost carrier, Air Asia, it was announced on arrival that the ground temperature was 11 degrees celsius but because the announcement was so poorly enunciated, not many passengers understood the message as they were just interested to push their way through to disembark...Malaysian-style!

A shocked leader of a group of boisterous tourists from Mumbai, seated on a window-side seat, peered into the distance and exclaimed (Peter Sellers-style)...."Oh my God...vhere are vhee"???

And I quietly thought to myself "mano tompek sojuk ni...dah tibo neghori omputeh ko?? Tapi kojap bonar dah tibo...baju paneh eden tak bawak eh...!!!!!"

To my fellow Malaysians, to understand what I was thinking about, ask someone from Negeri Sembilan or, even certain parts of Malacca!

My heartiest congratulations to Datuk Seri Tony Fernandes on being conferred the prestigious Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE) award from HRH Queen Elizabeth II today. We Malaysians are proud of you!!

A Momentous Day In My Life....

Today, I made a decision to be involved in social work to help women. I will be 60 in February 2012 and over the last few months, I have taken stock of my life and how I can give back to society. I feel for my fellow sisters some of whom are so desperately at the mercy of the men in our lives. I am going into this with my eyes open...I know it will not be easy but if I can make a difference even to ONE woman, then, it would have been worth it....and, this is not an April Fool's joke!

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause...

(The Impossible Dream)

Women of Substance

I had endured many personal tragedies in my life….from the tragic death of my husband when I became a 37-year old widow with a 4-year old child, to the numerous surgeries that I had since then, several of which were botched-up jobs requiring further surgeries, to my mum’s cancer.

Amongst my closest friends, some call me "Iron Lady" given the endless tests of endurance that fate had dealt me and the fact that I have several metal implants in my body. Some look up to me as a role model of a woman with the iron will to survive despite the odds that are stacked against her.

When my late husband died in a pool of blood due to a skydiving accident on August 13, 1989 which attracted wide media coverage, my life changed forever. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine what it would be like to be father, mother, carer and provider for my then 4-year old child. I was left to fend for my child and a dependent mother, who, in the course of time, became stricken with cancer. She was stricken with cancer at the most inopportune moment in my life – when I was recovering from a nervous breakdown. Then, while caring for a sick mother, I had to undergo surgery. When I think about it now, I too am amazed at my own strength but in actually going through those tragic events, I had never stopped to think about where the strength came from; instead, I just took it in my stride.

For some, the term “woman of substance”, conjures pictures of a celebrated female personality who had survived the odds, perhaps someone like Erin Brokovich, an unemployed single mother who became a legal assistant and almost single-handedly brought down a California power company accused of polluting a city’s water supply. Or, it could be someone like Oprah Winfrey who had endured sexual abuse in her adolescent years and yet, today, she is one of the most powerful women in the world.

Actually, many ordinary women, even housewives, can be considered as women of substance. For example, an uneducated wife with seven children who struggled to help her husband put food on the table by selling kueh, while at the same time bringing up her children to ensure they have a decent chance in life – a life better than what their parents had. It could also be the single mother who fights doggedly for custody of her children in court, or a woman who faces life’s challenges head-on, knowing that the fight would not be easy. On the other hand, it could also be a woman who is compassionate about others, well-versed about what goes on in her surroundings, who not only works out of the house but also gives back to society by being involved in charitable deeds and, at the same time, having her own interests outside her home/family.

What drives a woman to fight even though the odds are stacked against her? Personally, I never gave it a second thought – when faced with a dire situation, our innate fight or flight response takes over. I just knew that something had to be done and whatever I did, it had to be for the good of myself and my family…there are no two ways about it. Yes, I would consider the consequence of my actions but I am willing to face the risks. I tell myself that if I do not do anything about it, nobody else will, so, if it is to be, it is up to ME!

Being informed is definitely important when one has to make a decision especially one that is health-related. In cases involving my health, I accessed the Internet to find out more about my medical condition which I then discussed with my surgeon, before making a decision. I believe that making an informed decision this way is much better than having someone else in the family decide for me. Although I am fearful of going under the knife, having gone through so many surgeries, I psych myself up by focusing on getting well and not what can go wrong during a surgery.

Aside from dealing with my personal tragedies head-on, I had a challenging job that I strove to excel in and I somehow managed to also find the time to study for a Masters degree through distance learning…something which I had always aspired to do but my personal circumstances got in the way. Outside of work and family, I keep myself busy with hobbies and friends. I am an optimist by nature and although I had gone through moments of dark despair when all seemed so hopeless, somehow, I had always managed to bounce back more determined.

Some of my friends are amazed at my ability to face life’s toughest challenges head-on and still survive. To which I say believe in yourself and whatever you do, do it because you believe it is right and not because someone else tells you it is the right thing to do. I also have this fighting spirit in me and believe that one cannot give up without a fight. Nobody can criticise the decisions I have made for they are not in my shoes. I may have made the wrong decisions for which I have to face the consequences but that is definitely preferable to lamenting on an adverse outcome because I did what I was asked to without believing in it or, worse still, because I did nothing! Insya’Allah, with blessings from the Almighty, I will prevail.

Of Grief and Bereavement

Grief is a natural human reaction to the loss of a loved one. As human beings, we all have loved ones in our lives who mean the world to us and when our loved ones pass on, the grief and sense of loss that we feel are indescribable. It is an experience that we all have to go through at some point in our lives and individuals differ in how they grieve. Grieving is personal and unique to each person just as each person is unique in his/her own way. There is no set time-frame during which grieving would occur but the phases of grieving is universal. This has to happen for grieving is nature's way of allowing the healing process to begin.

“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”
Stephen Levine

Initially, upon the death of a loved one, one may or may not feel anything. In my personal experience, I was numbed by the shock of my spouse's sudden death. It was as if I could not feel anything and I remembered just going through the motions during the funeral. I cried a little but it was mostly because others were crying and not because of the grief within myself. I also cried when my then 4-year old son started crying for his father when the body was being removed from the house for the funeral.

It was only after the funeral when most family members have left that the profound impact of the loss really hit me. As I looked around and saw all his personal belongings, his clothes in the closet and the photos of our family, grief hit me like a ton of rocks and that was when I started to cry uncontrollably. The feeling is hard to describe and only one who has gone through it can understand - it is a mixture of unbearable pain, like a knife searing the very core of my being, the sense of hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, fear and despair. These feelings came and went and when present, caused physical discomfort such as stomach cramps, dizziness, palpitation and shortness of breath. They were welled so deep inside the core of my being and they played up individually and sometimes all at once.

After this initial feeling of intense pain, I went through a phase of self-blame and questions...why me? why now? would this have happened if I had done things differently? was I to blame for what happened...to which there were no answers. During these periods of self-blame, I kept telling myself that as a Muslim, I believe in destiny and that what had happened was destined to happen, no matter what I did. It did help a little but being human, the pain was still there.

As I suddenly became the sole breadwinner of the family, I focused my attention and energies on my job. This, in some way, was also a form of escape for when I was fully occupied, I had no time to dwell on the pain and loss. I was also fully occupied in sorting out matters relating to the administration of his estate. This was a painfully slow process as I had to sort through documents that were brought in from his office.

To a certain degree, I had surpressed my feelings for I had to appear normal at work. To allow proper healing, this should not have happened for it is only in allowing ourselves to grieve that we "release" pent up feelings of sadness within ourselves.

I started to withdraw into my own world and did not want to have anything to do with others outside the family socially. Also during this time, my son showed symptoms of anger and I was advised by the principal of his kindergarten to seek professional help for him. I sought the help of a child psychiatrist and was told that his anger was a manisfestation of the sense of loss that he was feeling as he was too young to verbalise his feelings. This caused me further pain as I was grappling with my own pain and I did not know how to handle his. I remember going through therapy with him and how I cried during therapy as the sense of loss and helplessness amplified. It suddenly hit me that this was going to take a long time since he was only four years old then.

I was fortunate to have my mum with me at that time...she moved in to live with me and she still does. Support, especially from family, and, to a certain extent, from friends is crucial. One should use this and should not be ashamed to ask for help because the sense of being overwhelmed can be suffocating.

As time passed, the pain lessened, albeit very slowly, but I still went through bouts of intense loneliness and pain, usually during the night - for this was the time when I did my crying. I tried not to show my hurt and pain to my son. I told myself that I had to be strong for my son for he depended on me and if I failed, I would fail him too and he has a whole life ahead of him. The immensity of this realization was sometimes frightening but I plodded along.

It took me about a year and a half before I would socialise again but there were still periods during which I wished that I did not have to carry the burden of bringing up a child all on my own. This would usually happen when there were conflicts in my schedule such as when I had to take my son to the clinic when there was an important meeting in the office. I also felt the sense of loss and emptiness when I attended his school sports and concerts for I would see most kids with both their parents while he only had me.

The recovery process is a long one for me. I can now talk about his passing without choking and the pain is gone but his memory lives on. In the death of a spouse, one tends to remember only the sweet memories and overlook those that were less pleasant.

The grieving period is different for each individual but the key is to accept the fact that one has to go through several phases in order for healing to start. Do not suppress your feelings, cry if you must and seek the support of family and friends, even if only as someone to talk to. Try not to be alone and if you belong to an organization or group, it is good to start re-connecting to broaden your network for you are going to begin a new phase in your life. Also, pursuing a hobby helps as you have less time to dwell on your loss. Slowly, you will find that the pain will heal but the memory lives on...remember, it is always the darkest hour before the dawn!