In The Still of the Night...

I am watching a rerun of the movies; a reflection of my life...the joys I had known, the emotional and physical pain I had endured and people whose paths I had crossed. A journey fraught with bumps and bruises – lessons learnt the hard way that I will remember forever…in the still of the night!

“I have been a rover
I have walked alone
Turned a hundred highways
Never found a home
Still, in all I’m happy
Reason is, you see…
Once in a while along the way
Love’s been good to me…”

Mum's Sewing Machine

She sits in a corner of the maid’s room – worn, dusty and dull…a relic of the years gone by. Yes, it’s mum’s trusty Singer sewing machine. She was once the prized possession of the house; with a gleaming veneer finish, well-oiled and ready to rumble when there are things to be sewn. The apron that I had made as part of my school project, the curtains I sewed for Hari Raya, even the tent dress that was the rage 40 years ago – these were some of the products proudly turned out by that machine.

I can still conjure images of mum in her younger days, sewing her kain batek or baju Kedah, sometimes late into the night…cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck… the sound of the foot pedal breaking the silence of the night. We would always be anxious to see the finished product.

Then there were the repairs to be done – torn school uniforms (my sisters and I only got a pair each year; to be worn until they were no longer in presentable condition) and out-of-date dresses to be given a refreshing look!

Today, I had a piece of batik that needed to be stitched, to be used for prayers. It was a simple task – just straight sewing – no creativity needed here! I was pleasantly surprised to find the sewing machine still in working condition; albeit a little noisy. As I pedalled away, my thoughts drifted back to the good old days when life was simpler, we would wear what mum sewed for us and the machine would be most busy with the approaching Hari Raya.

Today, it sits quietly in the corner, waiting for that rare occasion when someone would have something to sew….just like in the twilight years of one’s life…waiting for that rare occasion to be useful and appreciated again….sigh!

On MLTR

It was reported that the Youth Wing of PAS had called for cancellation of the concert by the western group Michael Learns To Rock, scheduled in September, as "it is an insult to Muslims to hold such concert during the month of Ramadan."

In working towards 1Malaysia, we need to be inclusive in our actions; it may be Ramadan but there are people of other religious beliefs in this country who must be taken into consideration. This type of behaviour is typical of PAS in order to appeal to the grassroots - anything that is entertainment-oriented is un-Islamic and must be rejected....are we on our way to becoming like Pakistan or Afghanistan?

Is Watching Late Evening TV The Answer to Population Control?

India’s Health Minister has come up with a novel proposal to address a growing population, especially in remote villages…install electricity so that people can watch TV. The logic being that when people watch TV late into the night, they would not have time to procreate. Currently, the Minister contends that without electricity, couples have nothing else to do at night except make babies.

CNN interviewed an 80-something Indian man who claimed to have fathered 24 children and asked him whether watching TV is the answer to control a booming population. He nonchalantly replied that if couples see something stimulating on TV, they’d go ahead and make babies anyway!

I suspect he’s right; with electricity, people will eventually have access to the Internet, and there are so many “stimulating” things to be savoured on the Internet that would drive them to a romp between the sheets afterwards!

Know Your Rights - Muslim Divorce

The following article, prepared by Women's Aid Organization (WAO), contains useful information on the rights of Muslim women seeking divorce. Syariah law is often confusing to the average Muslim and hopefully this article will shed some light on a complicated issue like divorce under syariah law.

Azah fell in love with her husband, Rashid when she was in college. He courted her and after two years, they got married. Azah is Chinese by ethnic origin, and she converted to Islam. After a few years into their marriage, Azah gave birth to a son. Although they were both happy initially, Rashid became more inattentive to the family after some time. He frequently scolded her if the baby was crying and began to come home late after work. Azah also works in the same place as her husband, although they are in different shifts.

One afternoon, she did not feel well and returned home early from work. She heard odd sounds coming from her bedroom. Worried that her son or Rashid might be ill, she rushed upstairs to check. To her shock and disbelief, she caught Rashid in bed with another woman.

She then packed her things and went to her mother's house with her son. When Rashid contacted her, he told her that he wants to marry the woman as a second wife. Azah still loved him. But after considering the idea of polygamy in her marriage with Rashid, Azah decided that she could not accept it as part of her life. She spoke to Rashid about her feelings and tried to convince him not to do so. But Rashid is firm on his decision. He told her that he is resolute in having a second wife whether she agrees to it or not. In that case, she asked him for a divorce, but he refused.

When she spoke to her mother and asked for advice, her mother reminded her about her son, and what would happen to him. Azah is not familiar with matters of divorce and custody under Syariah Law. What are her options?

Under Syariah Law, there are four main types of divorce. If Azah wants a divorce, she can ask Rashid to make an application to pronounce talaq in court. This is the first form of divorce under Syariah law, which is based on mutual agreement between both parties. Rashid is allowed to pronounce talaq for a maximum of three times. After the first and second pronouncement, Azah and Rashid can choose to reconcile. However, this must be within three months, known as the iddah period. After which, they are not allowed to do so. They are also not allowed to reconcile if Rashid pronounces the third talaq.

Also, Azah can apply for khulu' or cerai tebus talaq (divorce by redemption) from her State Syariah Court. This is where she pays him a certain amount of money to redeem him for the dowry that was paid to her when they were married. How much money depends on an amount agreed by both parties, or if no agreement is reached, the Kadi (religious officer) will assess the amount depending on her status and means. However, she can only apply for khulu' if both parties agree to a divorce.

If Rashid is insistent on disagreeing, Azah can still apply for a divorce to the Syariah court. The two types of divorce not based on mutual agreement are are:

1. Cerai Taqliq
If you can prove to the court through witnesses and oath that your husband has broken conditions set in the marriage contract, you can apply for Cerai Taqliq from the Syariah Court. Examples of conditions are providence of maintanence, desertion or domestic violence. If the judge is satisfied that your husband has indeed broken the marriage contract, the court will grant you the divorce.

2. Cerai Fasakh
You can apply for fasakh (dissolution of marriage by order from the Court) from your State Syariah Court if you can prove either one of these conditions:

- Your husband has treated you cruelly (e.g. been violent to you either physically or mentally, associated with prostitutes, forced you into immoral behaviour, obstructed your religious obligations, mistreated your property or according to Syariah law treated you unequally compared to his other wife/wives);

- Your husband has not maintained you for at least three months;

- Your husband has been sent to prison for three years or more;

- Your husband has left home and not been contactable for at least one year;

- Your husband is impotent or has refused sexual intercourse after at least four months of marriage, or for at least one year;

- Your husband has been insane for at least two years;

- Your husband is suffering from leprosy, vitilago or a sexually transmitted disease;

- Your consent to marriage was given by force, mistake or unsound mind; or

- You have since marriage, has a mental disorder which renders you unfit for marriage.

Always check first with your nearest Jabatan Agama Islam, Legal Aid Bureau or any practicing Syariah lawyer for differences in State Muslim Family Law before proceeding. For example, cruelty is not a ground for fasakh in Kelantan, Perak, Kedah and Pahang.

You will first have to file a complaint with the Jabatan Agama Islam (Muslim religious department) and state that because of problems within the marriage, you wish to do have a divorce.

The religious officer will then probably advice you to go for marriage counselling with your husband. You have a right to refuse marital counselling if you believe it will not help. If you think so, be firm about your decision. If you have any evidence to this effect, in example police reports on domestic violence, bring them with you.

However, take note that generally at the Syariah Court, you are asked for a letter from the religious department stating that you have undergone at least one counselling session.

If you wish to go for counselling, you will be given an appointment letter from the department. The religious officer will try to reconcile you and your husband during the appointed counselling sessions. If reconciliation is impossible, the religious officer will issue a letter stating that. The counselling period would take around 2 - 3 months.

Bring the letter with you to the Syariah Court and register your application for divorce. At the same time, you can also apply for any maintenance and custody of the children, although these matters will only be heard after the divorce case is decided. Generally, if the child is younger than seven, custody will be given to the mother. If s/he is older, it will be decided based on the best interest of the child.

In application for divorce, maintenance and custody to the Syariah Court, you are encouraged to appoint a lawyer, as the Syariah judge generally prefers this.

If you need further information or clarification, contact the Legal Aid Bureau, Legal Aid Centre or a women's organisation.

Women's Aid Organisation

Tel. +60 3 7956 3488Fax. +60 3 7956 3237Email:

wao@po.jaring.my

Today, Twenty Years Ago...

Allahyarham Hj Muhandes Bin Hj Mohamed

July 6, 1942 - August 13, 1989

Today, twenty years ago
You left us both forever

No goodbyes, just sorrow

And memories of our times together

Today, twenty years ago

Our world had forever changed

In ways no one could ever know

Nothing prepared us for the pain

Today, twenty years ago

My world crumbled around me

Why did you have to go?

In the most tragic way, and so suddenly?

Today, twenty years ago

I made a promise to be strong

But how was I to know?

The road ahead would be rough and long?

Today, twenty years ago

Tears flowed for someone so dear

In our hearts we feel the glow

Of your love that is always near

Semoga rohmu ditempatkan bersama orang-orang yang beriman. Al-Fatihah

From: Nori & Nash

Till Death Do Us Part....

This is a true love story in the same league as Romeo and Juliet and Laila Majnun. Shi Zhen Wei from Yancheng City and Song Xin Ran from Lianyungang City in China, met on the Internet and fell in love. Then, two years ago, the lady was diagnosed with colon cancer and her beau and his family spent all their savings to pay for her treatment.

In June, doctors told Song that her illness was terminal and that she had another two to three months to live - this was when Shi decided to marry her....he said ‘‘my love is only for you. Let’s get married even if you have only one day to live.’’

In this cyber age where falling in love is as easy as striking your computer keyboard, it is touching to hear of such devotion by a man and sacrifice by an entire family for one person....may they find happiness in each other for whatever time that's left for her!

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all"

(Alfred Tennyson)

A Reason...A Season...A Lifetime...

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

On A Lighter Note.....

Lady golfers....beware!

Hang in there...Jane!

The laws (loss?) of gravity!

TGIF (July 17, 2009)!

(L to R): Hasnah, Siti, Nori, Hasnah McCauley, Asmah, Norainon

Hi tea at Halaman, Seri Melayu...

We have all worked (or are currently working) for the same company. Some of us have retired, some are pursuing other interests and some have gone to live in the far corners of the world. But we all shared one thing in common....we cherished the years we spent together and this weekend, we decided to get together with Hasnah McCauley who is on vacation from Nigeria where hubby Keith is assigned. This was a chance to reminisce, catch up on what's happening in each other's lives and just to connect.

Siti, Hasnah McCauley

Thanikka Kittiasak from Bangkok is also in town for a meeting. I became friends with Thanikka many years ago when she was assigned to Kuala Lumpur for 2 years. We played a lot of golf together and since we are both single, we were frequently together. Asmah and I left the party for a while to pick up Thanikka at KL Hilton. We enjoyed a brief chat at the hotel before bringing her into town to join the girls for a night out.

It started at 4.15 pm with teh tarik at Halaman, Seri Melayu, Jalan Conlay and dragged on to Royale Chulan to enjoy a performance by The Alleycats...ending with nasi lemak and karaoke at Ana's and David Dzul's into the wee hours of the morning.

The Three Degrees....When Will I See U Again?

Julie, Nori

Ana, Abbi

Sekuntum Mawar Merah....Sebuah Puisi

Got A Black Magic Woman....Santana Time!!!

(L to R): Thanikka, Abbi, Nori, Ana, Hasnah, Hasnah McCauley, Norainon, Asmah

Boogie Nite....

It's been a long time since I had so much fun...and luckily, I was still able to wake up in time for a 9.40 am golf game today! Phew...I keep forgetting I am not as young as I used to be....the mind is willing but the body is aching!!!

Dancing ala "Pertama Cabaret" nyonya!!!

Thank you Norainon for organizing a great evening....it was a nostalgic reunion....we are all older now but still enjoying life...can't ask for more!

What's Love Got To Do With It?

..."it's physical

Only logical

You must try to ignore

If it means more than than...oh..oh..oh..

What's love got to do with it?

So goes the lyrics of Tina Turner's hit "What's Love Go To Do With It?.

Researchers from the Australian National University conducted a study to determine what factors contributed to a marriage 's longevity. It involved 2,500 couples who were either married or living together and they were tracked for a period of six years (from 2001 to 2007).

The results were quite surprising....love was not an ingredient in the recipe for a lasting marriage. Instead, the survey found that husbands whose age was 9 or more years older than the wife were twice as likely to get divorced as were men who married before they turned 25 (ladies with husbands twice or more their age or below 25...BEWARE!).

Another factor was children. Women who wanted children more than their partners would most likely end up getting divorced. Divorce is also likely if there are children from a prior marriage/relationship involved.

The study also found that the in-laws' marriage longevity also played a part - those whose parents had divorced experienced divorce themselves compared to those whose parents' marriages had survived.

The next factor is one we are familiar with - money. If a couple constantly argues about $, especially if the husband is unemployed, a marriage would be difficult to sustain.

Last, but not least, ciggies also pay a part. If one partner smokes and the other does not, the chances of heading towards Splitsville are higher.

In summary - according to this survey, for a marriage to survive, one should marry a man above 25 years old, with an age gap of less than 9 years, without any children, whose parents were not divorced, who do not smoke (assuming you do not smoke too) and with a decent income!

So...what's love got to do with it?

July 9, 2009 - Mourning The Future of Our Children...

No lah, the kids are not doing MJ's moonwalk, they're moving backwards....pathetic!

My gut-feel told me that the decision would be the reinstatement of Bahasa Malaysia (BM) as the language of instruction for Science and Maths. It was obviously a politically-loaded decision. Rural parents complained that their children do not have a good grasp of the English language and hence do not do well in these subjects - and that could translate into a lot of votes in an election...read: Manik Urai!

Then, there were also calls by Nationalists (Malays, Chinese and Indians alike) pressuring the Government to preserve their bahasa ibunda (mother tongue). Hence, the Government gave in to these pressures by announcing that these subjects will also be taught in vernacular languages starting in 2012 - in the interest of 1Malaysia!

Teachers are also a factor in the equation - their proficiency rate was dismal and as such, many continued to teach these subjects in BM as well. Well, if teachers are not properly trained, how can the students fare any better? Should they be penalised because the implementation is flawed?

What happened to the billions of Ringgit the Government had spent on computers, LCDs and teaching modules to equip them to teach these subjects in English? Are they just being used to surf the Net during break time at the expense of taxpayers?

The quality of teachers today, based on my experience in dealing with them when my son was in a government school, leaves much to be desired. You can detect the lack of passion and dedication; compared to teachers who taught me during the '60s. Children are not encouraged to ask questions because I suspect teachers do not know the answers...when curious minds are just dismissed, you can guess what the outcome would be...they lose interest, they stopped asking questions.

Another side to the argument for the switch is that if the Chinese, Russians, Japanese and Germans, for example, can be technologically superior even though they are taught in their mother tongue, why can't BM do the same for Malaysians?

Well, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that it is not only the medium of instruction that matters...the entire Malaysian education system needs to be revamped. We should not be too concerned with how many "As" our children score in the SPM examination....we should be more concerned with whether those "As" can translate into an individual that is competitive beyond secondary school level. The way I see it, our education system emphasises parroting facts rather than using your grey matter to think and analyse. As reported in the press, there is keen competition to see who can score the most "As" - never mind if the subject is Arabic instead of English!

The quality of teachers should also be improved. They should focus more on teaching with dedication instead of indulging in multi-level marketing, selling kain batek, or supporting political parties, etc. at the workplace.

In a corporate workplace, employees who do not have a good command of English will not be competitive and should we be surprised that our universities are churning out a high number of graduates who are not marketable in spite of their degrees! As an HR practitioner, I have come across many local graduates who cannot string a proper sentence in English. Read some of the Government web sites and you will find them peppered with grammatical errors.

I am all for preserving BM as the national language but let us not gamble with our children's future to achieve that objective. This is a global world folks...can you imagine our Malaysian professionals participating in global conventions in the future? They will probably be just observers sitting at the back of the room because they do not have the confidence to participate due to poor command of the English language?

Put politics aside. The most effective way to teach a language is to do so in the early formative years...English should be taught from Year 1 - like in the old days...and I am proud to say I am a product of that system!

Preparing for The Journey of A Lifetime!

Several concerned friends have requested me to reconsider my planned Haj which is expected to take place this coming November.

Given that I had incurred serious injury during surgery two months ago, they were concerned I may not be "fit" enough to undertake such an arduous journey.

Their concern is mainly due to the fact that the Haj is the largest gathering of people in a single place (3 - 4 million) and other than pilgrims pushing/shoving to perform the rituals (fortunately, Malaysian pilgrims don't do this), there is also the possibility of catching H1N1.

Medically, I feel fine and my surgeon has confirmed that I can go ahead and undertake the journey - with a recommendation that I also prepare physically by doing strengthening exercises at the hospital's Physio Department to help me through the rituals. This is one of the reasons I am playing golf daily now; for I need the exercise pulling a golf cart over 9-holes! He also recommended that the stent in my common bile duct (CBD) be replaced before I undertake the journey and it can be removed after I return.

Performing the Haj is required by Islam for all able-bodied Muslims who have the means to do so at least once in their lifetime. It requires a certain calling for one to do so - for there are many who have the means; yet, they have not undertaken the journey.

I received the calling while performing a special prayer in hospital - it was the darkest period of my life....darker than the time when I lost my spouse. I just had a major surgery for a life-threatening condition. I admit I am one of those who remember God only during times of difficulties....given my life's experiences thus far, I am also one who sometimes could not help but ask "why me?".

Muslims believe we have to accept qada and qadar (pre-ordainment) as a test of our faith but sometimes, I could not help questioning why I had to be tested this rigorously and repeatedly...the surgery I had then was No. 13 - including three botched procedures!

During that time, I had this unexplainable sense of urgency that I must undertake the journey. The feeling is difficult to explain; life is so fragile; you may be here today and gone tomorrow!

They say everything happens for a reason and now I understand the reason - if it was not for the life-threatening surgery, I would probably continue to be what I was before. I look forward to being a better person and finding that elusive peace and tranquility that had eluded me thus far!

As for contracting H1N1, I leave it to the grace of Allah, the Merciful, to protect me during the journey....Insya'Allah!

In preparing for this journey of a lifetime, I have been attending a course on the Haj. Most of the rituals are similar to the Umrah but there are some additional rituals involved such as gathering at the Plains of Arafat and stoning of the Devil at Mina.

One thing I learnt today is that performing the Haj is all about niat (intent). Prospective pilgrims, myself included, worry about whether we would remember all the prayers and verses (in Arabic) that have to be recited during the rituals. I learnt that your intent is paramount in performing the Haj - that you perform the Haj for Allah, the Creator. It is not about reciting prayers and verses that you don't understand the meaning of. It is about talking to Allah in a language you understand; for He, the Creator, is universal and He understands all languages!

Malaysian Medical Council (MMC)

The details contained in this posting are based on my personal experience in dealing with MMC. I stand by them and take responsibility for what I am publishing here.

Published on MMC’s website are these lofty words….“The principal aim of the Malaysian Medical Council (MMC) is to ensure the highest standards of medical ethics, education and practice, in the interest of patients, public and the profession through the fair and effective administration of the Medical Act 1971….the role of the Malaysian Medical Council in executing its duties is not only to discipline its members but to also protect the public, where necessary; to seek to maintain public confidence in the profession; and in its widest sense to maintain the integrity of the profession”

My nightmare began when I had a hysterectomy performed by a gynaecologist from a 5-star hospital (charging 5-star prices, obviously!). The procedure went horribly wrong and I ended up suffering from incontinence.

After being prescribed all kinds of medication by the gynae, I developed urinary tract infection (UTI) and, at this point, I was advised by the Company Medical Advisor to seek treatment from a urologist.

I tried to bring a complaint against the gynae by meeting with the expatriate CEO of the hospital concerned. His response? “The hospital and specialists are separate legal entities. The hospital merely rents out premises to the specialists and if you are not happy with any of them, you need to take a civil case against him. And I might add that doctors are heavily insured and they are not allowed to admit negligence.”

So…I guess that means the hospital does not care if patients are butchered on their premises? Is it all about $$$$ and medical ethics can go down the drain? And doctors, even if negligent, are never going to admit negligence.

What I did not know then, but I do know now, is that under the Private Healthcare Facilities and Services Act 1998, medical facilities should have their own complaints handling procedures. If the patient is not happy with the hospital’s complaints handling procedures, then he may bring the matter up to the MMC.

Which goes to say that the expatriate CEO of the hospital concerned was not doing his job…for which he was obviously being paid big bucks! How dare he brushed my complaint aside just like that? I actually mentioned his attitude/response to my complaint in my letter to MMC – but did MMC do anything about it? Most probably NOT….after my experience in dealing with MMC, I am more convinced they are more pro-doctors than patients!

The urologist recommended a surgical procedure that involved lifting the bladder neck with a sling to control the flow of urine. I asked him if the hysterectomy could have caused the incontinence. His response was most shocking…”if you want treatment, I will treat you…but I am not interested in getting involved in any litigation…I do not have the time nor the money to do so!”

Why was I surprised? It’s a case of “you scratch my back, I scratch yours”…today it’s your turn, tomorrow, it could be mine…that’s the name of the game folks!

I then consulted a lady gynae who was more sympathetic. She explained it this way…”medical negligence is difficult to prove in court. You must have a medical professional who is willing to testify that yes, I saw this patient before and after the procedure and, in my opinion, the condition was caused by the hysterectomy”. Since the gynae was the only doctor involved, there was no way I could prove this.

On the day that I was admitted into hospital for the corrective procedure, I received a call from the CEO’s secretary requesting me to meet with him. When I mentioned I was already in hospital, she said that he could see me at the hospital. I said “NO WAY” as seeing his face would be like adding salt to wound! Maybe he suddenly discovered that he had goofed in brushing aside my complaint…and was in damage control mode? Who knows?

Months after submitting my written complaint to MMC, I received a telephone call from an official requesting me to attend a tribunal by the Preliminary Investigation Committee (PIC) to discuss my complaint.

I received the call at work at about 10 am and was told to be present at MMC at 3pm – the same day! He explained that the Tribunal is made up of 6 members and the respondent doctor and his counsel would also be present. I could have counsel with me but he could only observe and not speak for me.

I immediately called a lawyer colleague to find out what goes on during these tribunals. She, in turn, called a colleague from one of the top law firms that defends doctors against claims of medical negligence. She was asked which doctor was involved and when told, she was immediately told that the firm was representing him and they were not in a position to discuss the case further.

So, potentially, I could be a sitting duck being fired with questions by 7 people and I was not even given enough time to prepare. The matter was so traumatic that I could not say five words without breaking down….is this how MMC protects patients? Why put the patient in such an intimidating situation when it is the patient who is the wronged party? If MMC are really interested to find out the facts, do away with the lawyers…just get the facts from the complainant and the respondent doctor.

“To ensure fairness and justice to both the complainant and the respondent practitioner, the Rules of Natural Justice will always be upheld in any inquiry”...proclaims the MMC website proudly! What natural justice if the complainant rather than the doctor is treated as the guilty party?

Of course, if you bring this up with the MMC the standard response would be, “we are sorry, but these procedures are enshrined in our Constitution.” But constitutions and laws are man-made and can be changed to be more patient-friendly.

Back to MMC…I chose not to attend the tribunal and told the official why. A week later, I received a letter from MMC that because I did not attend the tribunal, the matter was considered closed….how very convenient!

The doctor in question, by the way, was also involved in an almost similar case involving a fellow employee. She had a myomectomy and ended up with a few litres of pus in her abdomen. After a one-month stay at the hospital and incurring a bill of about RM50K, she was transferred to another hospital for further treatment.

How did I know about this case? Well, I was the Administrator of the Company’s medical plan and I was involved in discussing the bill as the patient had to fork out quite a lot of money out of her own pocket. She also had to take a pay cut as she had exhausted her medical leave on full pay.

I had urged her to make a report to MMC but she chose to let it go and get on with her life…so the gynae is happily practising until today. On my part, I advise friends to avoid him like the plague!

My take on this fiasco? To the powers that be…if you want to win elections, the Hon Minister of Health should look into the effectiveness, or otherwise, of MMC’s role….this is a bread-and-butter issue that alienates the rakyat. Not many would pursue matters to the extent I did, and even then, the bureaucracy was too much for me…one needs to be Erin Brokovich to fight this!

Down Memory Lane....

My recent extended hospital stay had done a lot to me…I reflected, I got philosophical…I learnt to count my blessings and I learnt who my TRUE friends are! I also reminisced about those people whose paths I’ve crossed and who had been instrumental in shaping my views on things that matter in life and who taught me that if you let the system s**** you, it will!

Dr. B. Jagdev Singh was a senior partner of Drs. Young, Newton & Partners, ExxonMobil’s panel clinic. When he retired from Young & Newton, Dr. Singh signed a contract to become the Company’s Medical Advisor responsible for occupational health. I was then the Company Medical Plan Administrator and we collaborated on employee health issues.

Dr. Jagdev Singh is now the Chief Medical Assessor, HM Aerospace Sdn. Bhd., Malaysia's largest aviation training center.

Dr. Singh was, and is still is, a proponent of government hospitals (UM in those days) whose main objective is to treat patients and are not bottom-line driven. He is also of the view that the standards of medicine in this country are not stringent enough compared to, say, Australia where one needs to go through a number of years working in government hospitals (usually out in the boondocks) before one can become a specialist.

Hence, in Malaysia, we see many doctors who are "still wet behind the ears” (Dr. Singh's favourite phrase) coming out to practice as specialists and this is one of the factors contributing to the number of medical negligence cases.

He is also not in favour of giving employees a free rein to choose hospitals based purely on comfort and not care. Corporations pay millions of Ringgit annually for their employees’ health care and much of these expenses have gone to “frills” provided by hospitals rather than necessary medical care.

Instead of treating medical conditions, some have caused medical conditions through botched procedures, thereby not only increasing company’s health care costs but also resulting in loss of productivity, etc.

As an HR person, I agree that in order to manage health costs, there has to be some form of control by the Company as the rate of medical inflation (according to insurance companies' statistics) is close to 20% per year! Uncontrolled medical costs not only affect companies but also their employees who must share in the costs.

But I also tend to sway towards giving employees some degree of freedom to choose – for sometimes, employees wish to use certain hospitals they are familiar with. However, there has to be a caveat - i.e. if the hospital is known for "over-charging", then the Company has the right to step in...this, currently, is already taken care of as most companies' medical plan is administered by insurance companies who ensure that "pricey" hospitals are not covered by guarantee letters.

Dr. Singh and my team spent hours in meetings discussing employee-related health issues, over-charging by some hospitals, and how to institute some form of control on the company’s medical plans so that we get value for money. We also visited hospitals and the Ministry of Health regarding the Company's guarantee letter, and for Dr. Singh to inspect facilities of new hospitals that employees may use.

Ours was like a father-daughter relationship. On the one hand, he would reprimand me for looking for an easy fix to manage my weight problems (Duramin); on the other, he called me “my sweet chappati” (I was only 30-something then, ok?) and would treat me and a few other ladies to chappati under the tree somewhere along Jalan Sungai Besi. Another of his favourite joint is Kelab Aman (the Sikh club) on Jalan Aman, off Jalan Damai. So, how to lose weight lah?

Dr. Singh, I learnt a lot from you about the medical field, “behind-the-scenes” exploits of some hospitals that has prompted me to ask questions, not to take doctors' advice as gospel and I appreciate your concern about my well-being when you told me “no Duramin, exercise more, eat less, don’t be lazy!”.

Don’t forget you promised to take this “sweet chappati” for lunch at Kelab Aman….but this “sweet chappati” is now in such a mess and has turned into “masala (problem) tosai”….but never mind, doc, LIFE GOES ON - masala tosai aside!

Say hi to Neeta for me...is she a practising lawyer now?

Romeo and Juliet....Malaysian Style!

Never was a story of more woe

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo

Romeo and Juliet, 5. 3

Centenarian Wook Kundur, who made headlines three years ago when she married a 35-year old man, is in the limelight again - this time for the wrong reasons! Hubby Mohd Noor was recently arrested for using heroin and had been sent to a rehab center in Kuala Lumpur for 2 years.

The age difference between the couple is 69 years - she was 104 and he was 35 when they married three years ago. It was his first marriage and her 22nd! Although their marriage had been described as "blissful", Wook revealed to the Press recently that he had been keeping late nights with his friends for a while. He had even sold off her car and ring, but she did not suspect that anything was amiss. Apparently, he had a previous record of drug abuse and had voluntarily submitted himself for rehab.

Aha! So, she was a lady of some means when they were married. Could he have an ulterior motive for marrying her? You could argue it was love...but come on...a healthy 35-year old bachelor....was he out of his mind? It defies all convention and I wonder if the Pejabat Kadhi (Religious Office) should have investigated their backgrounds before approving the marriage.

After all, it is not very often that couples like them register to get married; couldn't the authorities check on the background of the groom before approving the marriage. Did he have a job to be able to support her? Did they really believe he married her out of love?

And what about her family....her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren? Is there no one who cared enough to advise her that romantic as it may sound....the reality is that such a marriage may not be easy to sustain? Sheesh...what exactly were they thinking?

The Welfare authorities had offered to care for Wook since she now lives alone; but she preferred to live in their house for "the memories!" of their time together....wow...it must be love then!!!!

Well, to all my friends out there....I guess there is still hope for me...but please knock some sense into my head if you think I'm making a fool of myself, ok?

An Institution on Shaky Ground...

At a Malay wedding reception over the week-end, I and a new-found friend engaged in a discourse on how much it cost to host a wedding reception these days and what marriages mean for the "Generation Y" populace. Going by taglines such as Echo Boomers, or Millennium Generation (Millenials), GenY individuals were born between 1977 and 1994 (now usually considered a part of GenX - born between 1961 to 1981). "GenY" alludes to a succession from GenX".

The Millennials are sometimes called the "Trophy Generation", or "Trophy Kids," a term that reflects the trend in competitive sports, as well as many other aspects of life, where "no one loses" and everyone gets a "Thanks for Participating" trophy and symbolizing a perceived sense of entitlement.

It has been reported that this is an issue in corporate environments. Some employers are concerned that Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace and desire to shape their jobs to fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to the workplace. This attitude is also prevalent in their marriage - that the relationship must fit their lives rather than adapt their lives to work at the relationship!

The STAR today had an article about the alarming rate of divorce amongst young Muslim couples and their reasons for wanting a divorce were most trivial and ridiculous - ranging from forgetting birthdays/wedding anniversaries to forgetting to add sugar to the drink! Then, there was this young wife who asked for a divorce after three days of marriage because hubby forgot to buy the food she had asked for!

These young couples would fit into the GenY demographic and it is interesting that this was exactly our line of discussion at the wedding reception. I commented that young couples nowadays see divorce as an easy way out of any problems in their marriages....there is no longer a willingness to "work" at hiccups in the relationship. This is so different from the Baby Boomers and their parents; especially the latter who would go out on a limb to save their marriages.

One reason for this attitude would be economic independence...in days of yore, mothers of Baby Boomers had to ignore their spouses' indiscretions because they were financially dependent on their spouses. Most suffered in silence - and all for the sake of the children....us, Baby Boomers.

GenY couples tend to be dual-career couples and I suppose the pressure of work, attractions outside of marriage and an "entitlement" attitude all contribute to this lackadaisical approach towards marriage.

To a certain extent, we as parents of GenYers have also contributed to their "entitlement" attitude. From a young age, some of us have provided them with material things that we could not have. At a later stage, it's the 3 Cs - car, condo, credit cards - and if they don't have to work hard for the 3 Cs, they would not have any appreciation for the difficulties of life!

Young couples today are very lucky as their parents are willing to foot the bill for their wedding reception. However, I personally feel that this money is better spent in helping the couple to set up home....but then again, if everything else is already provided, what else is there to worry about?

GenY individuals are also tech-savvy and spend much of their time online. Making friends and getting to know people behind a computer screen is certainly very easy and this, perhaps, had also contributed to infidelity....I know of a young couple with a newborn, in their early thirties, whose husband is already having an affair. Although their parents have intervened and are trying very hard to bring them back together, the relationship is certainly heading for splitsville!

Due to the changing social landscape, the institution of marriage is, indeed, on very shaky ground!

Love Is...

Heard this song on the radio today "and I would do anything for love, but I won’t do "that”. Got me wondering what “that” is – I guess it’s different things to different people; as they say, different strokes for different folks.

For me, “that” would be not selling my soul and self-esteem; no, I would not do that even for love….but love means different things at different stages in our lives. I am not talking about love of country, parents, children, etc…I am talking about love in the romantic sense.

In our childhood, it would be puppy love – you know, signing autographs with stuff like “roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but not as sweet as you!” Gawd…did we actually believe that?

As we went through adolescence, there were boys/girls we thought about, shared drinks with at snack bars and sneaked to the movies under the pretext of going to the library! We thought we were in love but maybe we were in love with the idea of love itself. Girls would devour countless editions of Mills & Boon behind locked doors….skyrocketing phone bills, complaining parents, - ah…so “un-cool!”

When you left school to further your studies or pursue other interests, relationships from school sometimes continued but some floundered with space and distance. Some may decide to “get hitched” at this time for fear of losing each other – sometimes with disastrous consequences later in life as one day, one party, or both, would wake up and realize that there is a whole world out there they never got to enjoy – they had not lived their life yet – so to speak. There are so many things out there that beckon….especially at this stage when one (usually the male) is financially independent, worldly and successful!

Somewhere along the line, love becomes more intense and romantic as couples seriously consider their options with regards to a life partner. This is the time when you are always trying to impress, be on your best behaviour and try to be what the other party wants you to be. This is the biggest mistake one could make – for one day, the veneer would come off and the real “you” comes out – the “you” that may not be all that your partner wants you to be.

But, in a relationship, do you have to change someone to fit your mould? Why can’t each be an individual, complementing each other with their strengths and weaknesses and respecting each other’s space, opinions and beliefs? Is there such a thing as an “ideal” relationship? I wish I know!

As you reach your twilight years, when the kids have left the nest, love becomes more of companionship, caring, respect and just being there for each other….you know, I envision images of aging couples holding hands, looking at each other adoringly, visiting places and just being happy to be with each other….very idealistic….and unattainable!

So, what is love, really? Dunno!

Love looks not with the eyes but the mind - William Shakespeare